cont'd 2/5/2002
I kept screaming at my mother. I felt terrible because no-one likes me, because nothing works out for me, because boys think I'm ugly, because my sister has everything I want, because no matter how hard I try I FAIL. The only person that truly like me is my mom, and she won't be around forever. She can't make people love me, and she sure as hell can't make my grades go up. I couldn't even go in my room to cry because Linda and her laughing friends were in there, celebrating. I don't understand how Fate works. Some people are given so much.
I told my mother everything in that conversation. I told her that after nineteen years of crap, I felt like I wanted to slit my wrists. I told her that she didn't understand because she doesn't. I basically just yelled in general. Why is it that I am always put through one of those worst case scenarios? Am I being punished? One of my worst fears is that I am going to be one of those people where things go wrong their entire lives, no matter what they do.
I'm going to Binghamton because there's a higher acceptance rate into medical school. I won't be in debt. I'll have to give up art, but at this point, I just no longer care. The way my luck is going, I'll go through four hellish years of pre-med courses and then not even get into medical school. I feel sick. I honestly just feel ill, and it's not just a physical sickness. The thought of everyone else knowing that I'm a failure. My entire floor got asked back by more than seven houses. Seven is the max you're allowed to accept invitation to, and then you have to start rejecting sororities. I got one.
The money I'm getting for my job that I worked so fucking hard for now has to go to my new dorm room, since Helen's split double costs more than my open double. My parents have to lay down $157 to pay for my cable. Nothing every works out for me. I really tried to battle my depression, but I think I'm losing. I see people all around me fitting into their colleges, getting accepted into sororities, finding their first loves, and I'm still in the same position I was before, possibly worse.
Never ever ever again will I put myself in a position of vulnerability. I've been hit too many times and my heart simply can't take it anymore. My sanity can't take it any more. I now have to spend the rest of the year watching girls I Rushed with hanging out in their sorority houses, or doing activities with their sororities. I can hide from my dorm, but I can't hide from the campus.
I don't want to hear from anyone that just because I didn't get into a sorority doesn't mean I'm not a likable person. Let me tell you, this is not the first time I've been rejected. My entire high school hated me, and I hated every minute of it. I didn't go to my own prom or graduation because I honestly felt like I had no-one to say good-bye to. My "friends" in high school were never truly friends. We were acquaintences at best. After the prom everyone went to NYC or a bunch of other little trips and I was never even invited to go. The only time I was invited to go anywhere was when someone was having a birthday party. Read my past entries, you'll see.
The people who like me so much, the ones I've never met, but read my diary...I'll bet you my portfolio that you wouldn't like me if we met face to face. You'd treat me just like everyone else does.
I went to Carnegie Mellon University the summer before my senior year of high school. Although I made some really good friends, but I don't speak to most of them any more because we all live so far away, I had virtually the same problems. I was the only girl out of my entire bunch of friends that never dated a guy that summer. And it wasn't like there was a lack of them--Carnegie was 65% male. Yes, I made friends that summer, but it was like puling teeth. People just didn't like me. At first I thought it was just the school, but now I know that its me. the schools I attend have nothing to do with it. I am, very simply, unlikable. Its such an incredibly depressing thought...I just don't know what else to say.
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