Some More Randomness 1/2/2002
I truly hate being alone. Ironically, my personality isn't conducive to being in large crowds either. As much as I really try, people either just don't like me, or think I'm too quiet. Read any of my entries from the beginning of the school year; especially the ones about my early attempts to be in Hillel. Or the entry called "Worthiness." I'm sick of feeling unlikable, so as much as I hate it, I end up being by myself. For years I never quite understood why I loved watching movies or reading books for hours; I got to be a part of someone else's life, even if it was just fiction. AS long as I was in someone else's life, I didn't have to think about my own. It's silly but true. Its why I love art so much; granted, I'm alone, but I'm so busy with a painting that I forget that I'm alone. Creating a beautiful work of art, something that makes me immensely proud, skyrockets my self-esteem. Being with other people just makes me feel unwanted or left out.
I'm not looking forward to this semester. When I get back, I won't be home again for over two months. Rushing for a sorority will be taking place this semester. I already have a pretty good idea as to what's going to happen, but I won't write it down just yet. As much as I don't want to rush, I'm thinking of doing it anyway. I want to give SU a few more chances. Besides, I really would like to meet more people outside of Erin, Helen, Justin, and Dionne. In the beginning of the year when I was really optimistic about this school, I announced to everyone, especially Linda, that I would rush for a sorority. I feel silly if I don't. Besides, I don't want it to be said that I was anti-social and didn't give SU enough of a shot.
I'm terrified of applying to University of Rochester because of the possibility that I may get rejected again. After this year, I don't have many options to leaving Syracuse. It's hard to transfer in as a junior. I wouldn't transfer in the middle of my sophomore year due to loans and things...they're intended for one year, and if I transfer into another, which may give me a different loan package, things could get tricky. Becca thinks I'm a shoe-in at Binghamton, but I'm not sure if I want to go there either. Binghamton has no art program, but I'd be able to join a sorority and getting into bars would be no problem. In Syracuse, you have to have an awesome fake or you have to sell your soul, and possibly your mother, in order to get into a bar. In Binghamton, all you need is some cleavage and a smile. It sounds silly, but college is supposed to be the greatest time of your life. My social life at Syracuse isn't that great, which isn't helping any. The other bonus to Binghamton is that there is a 66% acceptence rate into medical school. The minus is that since it's a public school, it doesn't have as much funding, and housing is much more limited. I wouldn't be tripled (at least, I hope not) but I would be stuck in a double room and would stand the possibility of getting a bad roommate. So I don't know.
These are the hings I've been thinking about since I got back. I'm overjoyed I'm home, but there are so many other things that are on my mind...But anyway...
My one year mark on OD is coming up. I think it's January 14th. I remember my first note that I received. It was a succession of notes from one girl actually. She told me I had a neurotic disorder. It's probably true, but the way she said it wasn't nice at all. So I deleted the first four of my notes. My first entry was about my obsession about choosing the right school (how ironic considering my current situation) and my second was about...well, you can see for yourselves. It got a lot of notes though, which shows what OD people are most interested in >;o) Since the start of my diary I met (met??) some really cool people who have given me so much support even though we're complete strangers.
Phobia of the Day: Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors
Welcome to the randomness that is my life.
Artist
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