Clueless 10/13/2001
I'm taking a bus or a plane home for Thanksgiving because I don't want to go home with Rachel. This weekend she was going to Long Island and didn't even tell me until the night before she was leaving. God forbid I wanted to go home. She told me I could come along if I could get a bus to Binghamton, which of course I couldn't on such last minute notice. She refused to drive up to Syracuse to pick me up because "it would be too much on her car." Yet, she'll drive six hours back to Long Island to see Keith and drop Michele off at her house in Oceanside. And if I tell Rachel I'm upset, she won't understand what she did wrong. I won't be able to go home until Thanksgiving and I could have really used a weekend at home. I don't care how dangerous it is at this point, I don't want to go with her. With my luck she'd leave me here at the last minute because she'll realize she doesn't have enough room in her car or something.
Don't even ask about school. I was finally able to schedule an appointment with a tutor, and he ended up never showing. I went to the Math Department, but they said they couldn't help me because the tutoring program is independant of the math program at Syracuse University. I ended up hysterically crying in the math office because I just couldn't take it any more. I can't PAY people to help me. They suddenly became nice to me and called up the professor who actually designed the course. He could only tutor me for ten minutes because he had somewhere else to go. He refused to tutor me on a regular basis because he said he just didn't want to put in the time. During our session though, he said I was good in calculus and that I catch on quickly. I actually got a lot accomplished in that ten minute period, but I still have a lot of material to cover. What kills me is that I know I could pass the course if I actually had some help.
My mother sounds completely indifferent to me now. In the beginning, she was so comforting. Now its just like she just doesn't care. She sighs and gets frustrated when I tell her I'm having a hard time. When I told her about what was going on in math, she was just like, "Do what you want." I don't know what to tell you any more. I'm just one of those people that nothing ever goes right for. Everyone comes out of college bragging that it was the best time of their lives. I cannot see Syracuse as being the best time of my life. I really just don't know what to do any more. I feel so alone sometimes and I can't get rid of this feeling that something is wrong with me. I just want to be normal, and have people like me, and have my professors help when I ask them to help me when I ask them to.
Until later
Artist
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