Personality 9/6/2001
Someone once wrote a note that basically said, "Why would you want to commit suicide when all of these people care about you?" Well, most of these people don't know me. I'm not saying I'm not thankful for the surprisingly large amount of support I seem to be getting. I am, more than most of you will ever know. But the point is being missed. With the exception of two people, none of you know me, or go to school with me, or live with me. You can't help me. Despite all the notes I've gotten, I still had to eat dinner alone (again) tonight. I'm not blaming anyone; it's my personality that's to blame for my unhappiness I guess. The one possible thing that could help me is friends; tangible friends. It's why I had made the attempt in the first place; I don't have them.
My roommate once said to someone, "How can anyone be unhappy when they're going to a $35,000 school?" Just because I'm upper-middle class doesn't mean I don't have problems. Just because I'm going to a private school doesn't mean I don't have problems.
I'm sick of this damn loneliness. Everyone seems to not need another friend. I met this girl Evelyn one of the first days I got here. She helped me get my books for my classes. She asked for my phone number, but never called me. I once invited her out to a picnic that was given during opening weekend at SU. She never showed. She later told me she didn't feel well. She told me to stop by her room later. I stopped by later and she was too busy to hang out. I gave up, not wanting to become a stalker or anything. I was sitting on the steps two days ago and I ran into her. She told me to stop by around six for dinner. I stopped by at six thirty. We had dinner and she was nice enough and everything, but I always get the feeling I'm running after her. I asked her if she wanted to go to a house party or something on Friday and she said she'd let me know. So far, she has yet to respond.
I met a girl named Jen in my chemistry lecture. We have the same birthdays, and our towns on Long Island are twenty minutes away. She wanted to know about plane information for trips from SU back to Long Island. I left a note on her board earlier today and she has yet to respond.
I met people in Hillel, and no-one's outright rude, but none of them are too quick to invite me anywhere either. This other girl named Jen only asked Linda to come out to the Quad with her and hang out with some other girls from Hillel.
Sara, one of the first people I'd met when I came to SU seems to have free time only when Linda has free time.
Next on my list are Lindsey and Erica. Erica started a conversation with me and the three of us talked throughout the religion class. Lindsey asked only Erica to go out with her that night while I was standing there.
This has never happened to me before. In high school, I had friends. When I went away to Carnegie Mellon University two summer ago I had my own group of friends by the first two weeks. At George Mason University I made friends by the first day. In Syracuse, however, no matter who I talk to, no one seems to like me.
I'm terrified of transferring. What if I transfer and the same thing happens? It means it's my personality that is the cause...I can't change my perosnality. It also means I have to start all over again.
I hate being alone. I've really made honest attempts to talk to people. It's not like I stalk anyone. It has to be my personality then...
Until later
Artist
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