Cont'd 2 9/3/2001
First of all, let's back up. No one "got" Jay. Jay flirted with everyone, held Linda's hand, and left. Second, I was joking around about being mad at Linda if she hooked up with Jay, She should know this because I had to have told her a dozen times that I was kidding. And Jess, that damn bigmouth, needs to pay attention better. Usually, when I say something, and I'm laughing about it, it means I'm joking. Just a tip for ya. And most of all, don't go spreading rumors that I was bitter. I was more upset about not getting to hook up with Abadahl (not that he would go for someone like me) than anything else.
Anyway, the pair finally realized, "Oh gee, Artist is in the room." They stopped the conversation and were like, "Oh, were you sleeping?" (Actually, if you would really like to know, I was waiting to die. But yeah, I guess you could say I was sleeping). I made some half-assed excuse about why I had come back so early. I said that we were all walking in a big group and I got separated. I didn't want to go to the party alone, so I came home. Hell, I wasn't telling Jess and Linda that I got left behind. I may be suicidal, but I still have some fucking pride. Jess made a quick exit. I turned around and said, "Hey Linda...I heard part of the conversation. Just to let you know, I am not bitter. I meant all of the Jay comments as jokes." Linda was like, "Oh, I know you were joking, I was just yessing her." Anyway, so Linda invited me to go into someone else's room--they had 300 channels, so we figured we'd chill out in there for awhile. Jess was laying on a bed, and I was sitting on the floor next to her. We said nothing to each other the entire time.
Linda decided that she wanted to leave and invited me back into our room. I followed...hell, what other choices did I have? It's not like I have any friends to hang out with. We played Egyption War and watched Saturday Night Live. I drew a picture while I waited for the pills to kick in. At about 2 am, two hours after I'd taken them, my head felt really heavy. I went to bed, content for the first time I had gotten here.
Obviously, the pills didn't work because I'm sitting here typing this. I threw up three times that night; not voluntarily, I assure you. I woke up this morning and stared at the wall. I can't even commit suicide correctly.
I went to the Hillel picnic with Linda. There was nothing else I could do and really didn't feel like trying again. It was a bust. People were nice enough to me, but I am unable to make friends. Linda met a sophomore named Seth. He was throwing a frat party that night and invited her to go. A bunch of the girls I had tried talking to earlier that afternoon called Linda later. They wanted to study with her on the Quad. I sat in the lounge for a little while. I had an interesting conversation with two girls. They became best friends within days; both hated their roommates. One og the girls was on my wing; her roommate was the slow, speech-impaired girl named Dionne. Apparently, Dionne is something of an exhibitionist. Anyway, the two girls left to go on their shopping sprees. I saw one of the girls later, but she looked past me. Whether she intentionally ignored me or forgot about me, or just didn't see me, I don't know. Frankly, I don't care anymore. Although I hate it, I've become accustomed to my isolation.
I stayed in my room for most of the afternoon studying. Linda came to get me around five telling me that she and her friends were going out to dinner and would I like to join them? So I ate with Linda and her pals. They were all civil to me; Jess was downright nice. I can't see myself hanging out with these people though. Possibly Linda, but I'm still not sure what she thinks of me.
Linda invited me out to Seth's party. I'll tell you about that later. In a way, I'm glad the pills didn't work. Poor Jake...he's only ten and I would hate to hurt him like that. On the other hand though, what the hell do I have to look forward to? No one has any idea what it's like to be this lonely. And it hasn't just been in Syracuse; although it's worse here than anywhere else. I had it in high school too. The feeling of being unwanted is the absolute worse punishment. No one wants me, and that hurts worse than a hundred pills.
Loading comments...