Cont'd 1 9/3/2001
The next day I left a message on Joana's board on her door. I helped my neighbor, Alison, do her wash. She seems like a really nice person and I would really like to hang out with her. I always leave my door open and once in awhile I'll venture into her room to say hi. The only times I could remember coming into my room is to use my computer twice when hers wasn't working.
Anyway, Joana came to visit me later in the day. She didn't completely remember who I was because she was so drunk. I kept telling her about all of the funny things she was saying and doing last night. I mentioned that I thought Abadahl was a real cutie. She's like, "Oh, he's my friend, come and meet him." On our way up to the fourth floor we ran into Abadahl and one of his friends. We chilled out in his room for awhile, but had to leave because it smelled so bad. Apparently, this cutie's one flaw was that he hated cleaning.
So anyway, Joana and I ran into Mona and the Asian Long Island girl from last night. Apparently, they're all friends. We were hanging out and Mona mentioned that they were going out that night. We made some quick plans and a few minutes later I was in my room getting ready to go out with them. I found Joana in the bathroom. We were putting on our makeup together when she said, "I'll be right back." I chatted with some blonde for a little while and noticed Joana had been gone for more than a few minutes. I ran into Mona, who was also looking for Joana. She said, "Let's go wait in my friend's room until Joana comes back. She'll find us eventually."
Do you guys remember about me telling you about thse two girls who snubbed me in my religion class? Well, this was her room that I was sitting in. I didn't realize it until she turned around. I tried to be really bright and friendly by saying, "I know you- hi Lindsey!" She turns around and gives a casual "Oh hi Artist. Mona left, saying she'd be right back. I glanced at the Asian girl figuring that we would go find the rest of the group later. She announces, "Oh, I'm not going out tonight with them Artist."
I realized then that I had made a fool out of myself. I'm sitting in the room of a girl who dislikes me, with a bunch of people who I don't know. I looked around the entire dorm for Abadahl, Joana, and Mona. I had really wanted to go out with them. Not just to party and to drink, but because I wanted to be able to show myself that I can make friends. None of you know how terrible it is to not have friends--to be totally alone. Needless to say, they left without me. I went back into my room and cried. No I didn't cry--it was worse than sobbing. I just shut my door and sobbed. I couldn't even stand up I was crying so hard. I just leaned against the back of my cold, hard wooden chair and cried. The intense loneliness and isolation I had felt just overtook me. I don't know how long I cried for, or if anyone heard me. If anyone cared.
Then, I just something really stupid. Or maybe it wasn't stupid, just half-assed. I cleaned my room up. I cleaned up my face and wrote my suicide letter. It was pretty straight-forward. It said, "I can't stand being alone anymore. I'm sorry." After I put the letter under my pillow, I took eight Aleve with I don't know how many Ibprofin and downed them down with the rum my sister had gotten me as a present when she went to Jamaica.
I hit the lights and waited for the pills and rum to work. Maybe a minute had passed when I heard Linda and Jess walking towards the room. I partially covered my face with a pillow, hoped that they think I was asleep, and leave quickly. Luckily, or unluckily, they stayed in the room. They didn't even notice me lying there until they were a few minutes into a conversation that made me glad I took the pills.
"Yeah, I was talking to Elissa last night about you and Jay," says Jess.
"Really? What'd she say?"
"She was like, Oh Linda's gonna get Jay, now I have to go and hook up with a frat boy. I was like, well, you barely fucking talk, why should he be with you. She was pretty bitter that you got Jay and not her."
"Yeah," Linda says.
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