Can't Understand 8/29/2001
My mother and my sister called last night. My mom called around six or seven. I mean, I'll admit I haven't been terribly happy here, but when my mom calls, I just bust out sobbing for no apparent reason. I think it's because I can hear sounds of home in the background--the dishwasher, my siblings, the washer and dryer, sounds of my mom making dinner. Homesickness is the worst when I hear my mother's voice.
Anyway, I was sitting in my room alone. Linda had gone out to an honors dinner and I really didn't feel like eating by myself in the cafeteria or asking the dreaded questions, "Hi, is anyone sitting here? Can I sit with you?" I had had a bagel and a bowl of soup that day, so its not like I'm totally starving myself.
My mother called and I ended up crying for a half hour. She doesn't understand that calling is making things worse. There's nothing she can do or say to help because she's never been through what I'm going through. She is one of the most beautiful forty-five year olds I've ever seen. When my sister, my mom and I all go somewhere, we often times get mistaken as sisters. People have on more than one account have commented on the large age difference between my dad and my mother. They don't realize it, but my mom isn't younger than my dad; she's actually older by a year. She just looks ten years younger.
When she was my age, she was an absolute knock out. She doesn't talk about it much, but my sister and I know she had TONS of boyfriends since she was in her early teens, had sex very early, was the partier, etc. She went away to college and by her junior year she was engaged to my dad. She was married by 23 and had a kid by the time she was 25. That's why she doesn't understand what its like to feel totally unwanted for eighteen years (almost nineteen) or to have a deep-seated fear of spending the rest of her life alone. She doesn't know what it's like to feel so incredibly ugly when even horny freshman college boys don't want you.
My mother never had a good relationship with her mother, or anyone in her family for that matter. When she went away to college she didn't experience the same horrible homesickness that I have. Do you know what its like to have to stay in the shower for an extra twenty minutes each morning so no-one will hear or see you cry?
She can't help me and she doesn't understand that. It hurts me too because nine times out of ten she's the one I go to. Now I have no idea what to do. I'm not asking for advice, comfort or pity, I just need to vent.
I told my mother straight out that she can't help me and that I don't like her calling here. I know she feels bad when I cry, and after the money she's spent, she doesn't need this. I feel so incredibly guilty on top of everything else for not fitting in like a normal person.
Becca called an hour after mom. My sister, ususally the most unlikely person to talk to when I have something serious on my mind, helped me feel a little better last night. Usually, her idea of solving a problem is saying, "C'mon Artist, let's go get you drunk and go to a frat party!" I told Rebecca everything that I'm writing now, and she understood.
She knows that I have this phobia/obsession with sex. I'm scared of having sex, becacuse I hate being put in situations that I'm not familiar with, or I don't know what to do. I hate looking/feeling like a fool. At the same time though, I feel so stupid that I'm still a virgin. It may sound silly, but it's something that really bothers me. It just reaffirms my belief that I am not wanted. It used to be, "Don't worry about not having sex while you're in high school, the boys are really immature." Male college freshmen, who are notorious for screwing anything that's female with a heartbeat, do not want me. Now what's the excuse for not being hit on?
My sister told me that she has friends in their mid-twenties and they're still virgins. It didn't make me feel better AT ALL (because I know seven years down the line, I'm going to be one of those girls that some other sister is telling her little sister about) but I knew Becca was trying.
Linda doesn't even need to introduce herself to guys; they just fall from the sky. She met this guy Eric because she recognized him from the other day when he asked her for directions. She asked hi to lunch and now he has a serious thing for her. She told me today that she met a guy in class and he asked for her phone number. Then another guy was having trouble getting his books for his class, so Linda offered to get thme for him. Watch this, he'll become suitor #3. Linda's a sweet girl and a great roommate, and as much as I'm happy for her, I'm envious at the same time.
Becca told me that for the past four years her best friend Michelle was very much like Linda, but in the end, Becca is in a relationship with a guy and Michelle's still dating around. Then again, Becca had two boyfriends in high school (one was a two year relationship) and was hit on the second she walked into Binghamton's doors. She once told me that she got 6-10 offers for sex a night. Becca understands me, and can relate to me a little bit more than mom can, but still...I've never felt more alone. And terrified.
Until later
Artist
p.s. To those still in high school, enjoy it while you can. Being on your own, literally, isn't all its cracked up to be.
Loading comments...