What am I So Afraid of? 8/21/2001
Why am I afraid? I'm afraid of:
becoming a permanent loner
staying single for another four years
insults
being alone
meeting new people
coming across as a meek dork
the uncertainty of my new life
failing
feeling like a failure
being in my siblings' shadows forever
being the dud in the family
being rejected (by sororities, guys, etc)
not being able to change myself
I don't want to be alone any more. My father once told me that I was a loner. He tried to make make a positive spin of it. He said I was very independant and I didn't constantly need other people to be entertained. He doesn't realize that I'm not a loner by choice. Drawing doesn't make me feel bad or make me feel ugly. I'm definitely not an ugly person, but I didn't get interested in make-up until tenth grade or stylish clothes until about eleventh grade. Before that I was just kind of plain looking, and I got teased because I wasn't doing what everyone else was doing. I was still playing with my Gameboy and making Lego houses while I was thirteen when most girls were experimenting with make-up and boys. I've always felt like I was behind everyone else. Hell, I've only had one short-term boyfriend and I'm still a virgin; a claim most eighteen year-old girls can't make.
In high school my parents and sister always told me that high school boys were immature. They were only interested in beautiful, model-type girls and didn't mature out until college. In Carnegie when I wasn't getting hit on, and most of my friends had boyfriends, my mother simply said that boys were immature and that everything would change in college. What if it doesn't change? What if it turns out that the people in high school were right and I'm really just the quiet, studious kid no-one notices? I'm thinking this has just turned into another mindless ramble.
Later
Artist
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