On the Outside Looking In 2/5/2001
Hey World.
Alex, if you're reading this, please stop. I just don't want you to read this one entry. See world, I told my friend my OD name. Why? Well, she asked for it, she gave me hers, and because I knew she wouldn't repeat anything I wrote, unlike most of my friends. My friends are generally good people, but they have big mouths.
Anyway, I went to my friend Blossom's birthday party Saturday night. It was so incredibly bad, in my opinion. Or maybe it was just me. I'm a year older than most of the people in my grade because I was born at the end of the year. It's cool once in awhile because I had a sweet sixteen first, I got driving lessons first (even though I'm going to get my license last), etc. The thing is, not to be snobby, but I'm extremely mature for my age and my friends are extremely immature for their ages. So the year that separates us is more like three of four years. Like my friend, Batman (it's her fav cartoon character, so that's actually what everyone really calls her) stuffs veggies up her nose at parties, or like that night she was making a paper mask out of a plate, forks, and broccoli. The others are all drama freaks, so they all have their little inside jokes from Drama Club. Most of my friends also work at MacDonalds together so they also have inside jokes and stories that I'm not privy too. And, most of my friends have known each other since elementary school, and I met most of them in ninth grade or later, so they also have inside jokes from when they were younger. It's not their faults, they don't act the way they do to be malicious, but I feel left out nonetheless. I felt so stupid that night...I smiled and laughed along with everyone else, but it was all fake. I just kept fiddling with my watch and looking at the clock. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way because my friend...we'll call her Panama (it's one of my inside jokes) also felt left out. She's a year younger than me, but she really does have a very high maturity level. She's known most of these people from kindergarten and she still feels left out because she doesn't work with any of them and she's not a drama freak either. (By the way, the term "drama freak" is not derogatory-it's actually an affectionate term that was made up by my drama friends). So me and Panama sat in the living room and talked. It was cool and all, but still...I felt like such a loner. Blossom and her boyfriend, Fred, were making out, cuddling, and making sex jokes the entire night. So was Joan (she was mentioned in a previous entry) and her boyfriend Arnold. Once again, my stupid obsession with sex came up. I'm older than all of them, and they're screwing like rabbits, pardon the crude term. Arggggg! I'm so aggravated!!! Have you ever felt like you've just floated around your entire life, just never really belonging? It sucks, for lack of a better word.
Which brings me to another subject: prom. May I ask why it's such a big goddamn deal? It's a glorified school dance. I don't want to go stag; I know lots of people have gone stag and have had a great time, but it's just something I'm dead-set against. I mean, it's PROM. You don't go stag to prom. That's not the main reason why I'm not going; it's the fact that I'm going to have to spend $500+ and feel the same crummy feeling of alienation that I did tonight. First of all, everyone, except for three of my friends at this point have dates to go with. The three that don't have dates are probably going to end up going with friends. The sad truth is, I have maybe three guy friends and I'm not close enough with any of them to ask them to go with me. Besides, one of them has a date already. But, if I don't go, I'll be left out of more stories and jokes. All of the movies these days, for whatever reason, have a scene with a prom in it. And you always hear pom stories from other people. When people ask me, I'll have to say, "Well, I never went, I stayed at home instead." I can't decide which is worse...I dunno. I hope to God that college is better than sitting in a living room, watching your friends make masks, and listening to "Rambling Man."
Until my next ramble
Artist
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