Stages and Goodbyes in The First Life

I dislike saying goodbye.
It annoys me, mostly.
I like to slip away while no one notices.
Whenever I’m leaving, and I’m bound by guilt to say goodbye, my throat gets tense. I hug awkwardly. Smile. ‘Good seeing you’. I can feel myself shrinking and still, smaller than ever and nearly afraid. Can’t we just part? Silently, with smiles and eyes, just, walk away?

This past weekend was one of introspection and reminiscing.

For the first time in years, I looked directly at him without fear.
As the lights would shift and drift across my face, my heart would stop, afraid he might see me too. Afraid he might look directly at me. Afraid my soul would burn and I’d never shake it. I’d unravel right there, for the crowd to see, just a few people away from his girl.
It makes me feel hollow. The way we can talk, yet, when our bodies share the same room we do everything in our power to avoid contact. He won’t speak to me. He won’t look at me. Like the opposite ends of magnets. Forcing each other away, and really, on the inside, we’re begging to come together. My heart is a fly trapped under a glass.
He nearly came close to me, accidentally. I felt him enough to turn around and see him quickly turn away.
I laughed a little, but it wasn’t funny. My friend said ‘woah…did you see that?’
Yeah..and I felt it.
When we left I wanted to say goodbye. I Wanted to walk up and look at him, make him see me, make him say goodbye to me. Endings were something he was good at.
After we left, he said he was sorry for not saying hi. I never found the point in avoidance, but I get it, he lives mostly out of fear despite how strong he is. He hates feeling like a mess, grasping for any piece that feels like it fits. Nothing fits. I’m so sad.
I’m trying to keep all these things out of mind. I keep asking ‘why now?’ But really…when I read back…it never went away. It’s just that now, I do not have to feel guilty about my thoughts and feelings.

A day at a time.

Last updated November 06, 2017