Untitled in Mental Health, 2017

I absolutely need the next two weeks to fly by. And I really think I need a new antidepressant. On Tuesday I found out that my therapist is leaving the clinic that I go to. I 100% broke down. I legit shed more tears on Tuesday than I did when my grandma died in 2013. Anyway, in two weeks I have a double session with her to hash out what my plan will be and what she’ll be moving on to.

Because all hope is not lost. She couldn’t get into specifics on Tuesday, but it sounds like she’s only moving one county over (yet still closer to my house than football practice!). She said she couldn’t legally recruit current patients to follow her to her new location, but strongly hinted that current patients could always initiate the change in treatment themselves to this new location. She can’t legally say “yeah, stop going here and come with me to Location XYZ” but I can initiate the switch as the patient.

Which is what I’m going to do if that’s a legit possibility. That’s why she booked a double session for our next visit. I think she was A) shocked by how emotional I got over the news and wants to work through those feelings with me and B) wants me to come with her to her new location. We both know that I’m clearly not ready to end therapy. It took a long fucking time for me to warm up to her and trust her, and I can’t imagine starting over with someone new at this particular moment in my life. I do know that eventually I’ll have to say goodbye to her because no one is in therapy their entire life, but right now is a really, really bad time for me to stop seeing her.

When I left my session Tuesday she said “this isn’t the end, just a change in direction” as I was leaving. I’m hoping that’s an indication that she wants me to remain a patient of hers.

She explained her reasons for leaving which were mainly that she’s unhappy with the support she gets from the clinic. Her office isn’t much more than a closet and they don’t let her have as much flexibility as she’d like in terms of types of therapeutic treatment. I get it, I totally do. If this new place does DBT groups, I’m totally signing up. I’m happy for her, I’m just so fucking down and nervous about the possibility of me having to start over with a complete stranger.

I haven’t even gotten to the deep stuff that I really want to talk to her about. I’ve been slowly working up my trust with her with the easier stuff.

But yeah, I was a mess when I showed up to work Tuesday after my session. Today (Wednesday) all of my coworkers stayed clear of me. So embarassing. They don’t know why I’m an emotional mess.

And honestly, its probably an overreaction on my part. But it literally felt like I was losing a lifeline when she first disclosed the news. Because I don’t always feel like I can trust myself not to do something stupid to myself, but knowing I have an upcoming appointment to talk shit out always has kept me on the straight and narrow.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense.