Choked up in The First Life

These past two days have been rough.
Heavy chest for no reason.

My mind has been distracted. Just his presence in this universe has been enough to make my senses vibrate.
I can’t shake this.
I’ve been creating and writing and feeling so deeply. There’s this ache, but there is so much light.
Maybe this part of me just reminds me of him. Maybe that’s why I did everything I could to change. Why I stopped creating, why I avoided anything deep and meaningful.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.
About a year ago, I told my mom about these feelings. She said to me that everyone has that someone. Someone so bright that their light forever stains our memory. Someone we love and never stop thinking about.
I wonder who hers is. I wonder what happened. I hope it doesn’t ache. I wonder if she still talks to them, if she remembers everything about their smile and voice.
She also told me, long long ago, that I was not the one for him. That i was his lesson. That I might help him grow so that he could marry someone else.
It has been 4 years ....
Time is caving in and ‘40 and divorced ‘ sounds so far away and sad.
He has so much to say and I can feel it. I almost wish he would tell me to leave him alone. Not because I don’t have the strength, but because I don’t feel like everything is ok, and I dont wanna go.