Monday... in Fresh Start...

I’m sitting at my desk. I’m not planning on doing anything else today.

The weekend was retarded. On Friday I basically just laid there once I got home. JM texted me around 8 asking if I wanted to grab a drink. I decided to go because I needed out of the house and when you drink with someone it’s socializing but drinking alone you’re pathetic. So I fed animals and left. Overall it was good. We sat there, I ordered some pizza, he had a couple beers, I limited myself to 1 beer. Then when we went to leave he walked me to my car and asked if I wanted to just sit and talk some more. I probably should have said no. We were talking and he just got all touchy feely and kissed me and then tried to get into my pants. Apparently he thinks third time’s the charm? That is just not what I was looking for.

I did like nothing on Saturday. I laid there. My dad came up to weedeat. I did rub his feet afterwards but I didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t clean anything, I didnt even shower. I literally didn’t shower for 3 days because I just didn’t care. At some point I was texting F. It was friendly enough. Apparently he went out drinking Friday night with M and didn’t get in til 5am. Later on I said something about was I ever going to get him over again. He fed me some line about trying to get in a routine and maybe once he does that. I said if that were the case he wouldn’t have gone out drinking with M and he wouldn’t have turned down ot on Thursday. His response was hanging out with M is something that he likes to do. I said um…thanks. At some point I also told him that I was just his void filler anyhow, or at least a void to fill. That’s how I feel.

I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough. I’m too fat. Too needy. And the harder I try, the worse I seem to make things. If I knew how to share memes I would.

That’s basically how I feel. And I realize that it was short lived. I know it wasn’t even 2 months, but it felt like a lot longer to me. I really thought I had something. I was obviously wrong.

Last updated July 31, 2017