Breaking Up Part II in New Beginnings

I think Hollie and I broke up Tuesday evening. Things were going well on her end, but uncomfortably so on mine. We would usually see each other on the weekends and text during the week. She was obviously getting increasingly attached. She’d send me texts telling me how attractive I am. I know they were meant to be flirty. She’d say things like how I owe her a picture of my back and that I have great butt. Perhaps I would have found them charming if I didn’t have my reservations. My responses never addressed her comments. When I did address them, I would say something like, “I’m not sure how to respond to that, but thank you.” I think saying that allowed her to pick up on my uneasiness.

Tuesday night, she said she wanted to see me. I told her I couldn’t because I had Jiu Jitsu class that night. She said she understood, then she asked me if I thought our relationship was going somewhere good. She clarified that I only had to say “yes” or “no.” I told her the truth that I liked her, but there were some things that bothered me. When pressed, I had to elaborate.

She made a statement not too long ago that when her mom dies she was going to lose her mind. She immediately said that she would find it again eventually, but I’ve witnessed firsthand that losing one’s mental and emotional health is much easier than recovering it. I’ve been down that road with my dad, being bound to someone who was beside himself. He wanted dwell in misery and have others join him. He would take any logical and reasonable suggestion I made twist it into something justify his self-destructive behavior. She already can be kind of miffed when I make a logical suggestion to problem she’s facing. I don’t like imagining how that trait might be distorted if she were going through a depression. Combine that with her mom’s clutter, and I see the potential to repeat that ordeal with my dad. I could see her wanting to hold on to every little thing that was once her Mom’s, stuff she formerly didn’t care about in the same way that my dad insisted on keeping all of my mom’s stuff that he once didn’t care about.

I really downplayed that last part, but her mom is hoarding stuff not unlike my dad did. Hollie had made it clear that her mom comes with her, and her mom’s stuff comes with her mom. Hollie can’t confront her mom on the issue. Her mom doesn’t have any money, and she wants to contribute, so she acquires little knick knacks as gifts whenever she can. If Hollie tries to decline them, her mom’s feelings become hurt and she slips into a depression. I helped her and her mom move into a new apartment, and they just have too much stuff. Boxes upon boxes upon boxes that fill up the apartment. That seems like a recipe for disaster. If Hollie and I did get married, her mom would obviously have to live with us. I wouldn’t necessarily have a problem with such an arrangement, but I can’t live with a hoarder again.

Also, she occasionally likes to smoke pot. She can’t partake of it while she’s living with her mom, but once she passes, her grief combined with the new freedom to indulge looks kind of dangerous. It looks like I could find myself reliving the exact same nightmare I went through with my dad, and the thought of doing so again terrifies me. The last time I went through it, it cost me an aspiration I had in hand. If I lose my new dream I’m working towards, I don’t know how I’ll remain mentally intact.

Not only that, there’s my…vice (I’ll call it). I realize she said it wasn’t an issue to her anymore, but she also made a comment that you thought once I have sex, I’ll get over it. While that might happen, I wouldn’t count on it. It’s naïve to expect people to instantly change. She also once said that having her husband be sexually satisfied with her is important for her. I can imagine her affection for me eventually turning into frustration & resentment when she offer me all sorts of physical pleasure, except for my one fixation.

Not only that (and this is nothing on her), I’m sort of depressed about my current job situation. I’ve long considered that a man’s professional life should be established before he starts pursuing marriage. I thought mine was, but apparently it isn’t, and dating under these conditions makes me feel like a fraud.

After telling her most of what I typed above, she thanked me for my honesty. She told me, “If you would like to take some time part from me, so be it. Feel free to contact me when you desire. Thank you for everything. I am sorry you have such a negative outlook on me and what our future could be. I never imagined it going up in flames at all. Be well, and prayers for you.”

I feel like absolute crap. I even felt somewhat nauseated afterwards. I like her, but I can’t ignore all that other stuff. Even writing about it now makes me a bit queasy. We have a lot of common ground for a serious relationship, but am I really supposed to date her, become her boyfriend, marry her, and wonder how far off the deep end is she going to jump when her mom passes? Do I just hope that her “losing her mind” as she put it won’t entail crippling her health or jeopardizing our financial well being.

I haven’t contacted her at all since. I’m also kind of irritated. I mean, after she broke up with me the first time, I wasn’t happy, but I made my peace with it and moved on. Five month’s later, she wants to give us another go. This is exactly why I didn’t want to. Now she’s hurting, I feel guilty, and there’s nothing either of us can do. I guess it’s over. In a few months, I’ll leave my job, turn in my phone and get a new one, she and I will lose contact, and we’ll fade into each others’ past. I suppose this is as easy a break as can be.