Thursday Morning Part 2 in New Diary
- July 27, 2017, 5:52 a.m.
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- Public
I am no doing very well this morning. I feel kind of depressed, I’ve been thinking about some things that are not doing me any good. I think I’m kind of angry. I don’t know what i’‘m mad about but I feel kind of pissed. I think seeing Chocolatechip yesterday triggered something. and it has been festering in my mind ever since. I don’t know I can’t put a finger on it but I feel kind of pissed and hurt at the same time.
All I know is that I was very good to her. I oved her with my hart an esoul. I am far from perfecty but I did love hre. I did my best to her and then she dumps me., She dumps me because she claims that I never talk to her. But I did talk to her. I carried on conversations with her. I listened to her problems. I offered feedback. I did my freaking best and I feel now it was not good enough. Anyway she dump me for no good reason other than I am a man of few words.
I cannot help being what I am. I have always had a hard time in social situations. I have always had a hard time getting along with people and making friends But I tried to be her friend,. I tried to I always said what would you rather have somebody who bullshits you all the time or somebody you can depend on. I wanted to be somebody she could always count on no mater what. I guess that was not good enough. She wanted more than what I am capable of giving . Anyways thinking like that really hurts. I did my best and it was not good enough.
I am very pissed. I am pissed at myself pissed at her. I feel betrayed. She dumps me because she claims we do not talk and have no friends. Can I help it if I don’t have any gd friends? Can I help it if we live in the building where people are a bunch of assholes in the first place. I keep thinking I am 66 years old. If I don’t have any friends now I never will. But I tried my best to be her friend. I really tried harder with her than with anyone else. I don’t know All I know is that I loved her but I was not good enough., I failed.
Thinking like that pisses me off. I don’t think i’m mad at anyone,. I’m just angry at the situation. I’m angry because when I saw her yesterday I was nice to her I talked with her. She wanted to come up and use the computer. I said sure. She didn’t want to walk up wit h me The more I think about it the more I am thinking she didn’t want people to see us together and going to my apartment. I don’t know. It was like I was nice to her letting her use my computer but she was ashamed to be seen with me. Anyways that’s what I thought and that sort of pissed me off big time.
I don’t like being angry. I feel frustrated because I don’t know what to do with this anger,. I will probably go into a big bout with depression. After all negative thoughts produces negative emotions. But these are what I am thinking now and I do not know how to eliminate the thoughts, They are so strong
Gees this is the shits.
^..^Kat ⋅ July 27, 2017
You take everything way too personally in some ways. She probably had a couple of things to do before she came up to your apartment. Her reasons for "dumping you", as you put it may not have seemed good to you, but apparently they are to her. You talk to Kelly, it seems like you weren't talking to Chocolatechip. I think you were taking CC for granted. You have to continue acting towards her the way you did when you first met. Learn how to divert yourself. When you start having negative thoughts, get up and go outside. You don't even have to stay, just the walking there and back will be enough to allow yourself a distraction. And yes, you can help it that you have no friends. They aren't going to come knocking at your door. You have to put forth the effort to go make them. If they aren't in your building, then it's time to look elsewhere, but they are out there.
John62 ^..^Kat ⋅ July 27, 2017
you are probably right about that I do take things too personally