What do I fear?
‘This is what you should fear. You are what you should fear.’
closed mindedness in the church
I often times am afraid to speak of my faith very specifically. Some might thibk I fear persecution. But that is something I have lived with my whole life, regardless of beliefs or actions. What I fear is my mistakes. My sins. I fear being a bad example. I fear pushing others away, not from me, but from God. In my newfound faith I am afraid that I am not so well qualified to be a good example. I have made every mistake a person could. I’ve commited the most atrocious sins. I have improved, this is true. But people are prone to see the bad before the good. I do not wish for people to see my many mistakes and blame them on my beliefs. They may say, ‘if this is what a christian is I want nothing to do with Jesus!’ and this is my greatest fear. So many pushed me away. I do not wish to do to others what was done to me.
I have had many failures lately. I have let anger seep into my life, and sadness, rebellion, fruatration. I have become over sexualised in my attempts to be attractive. This is so unlike me. I must be careful. If I am to be a shepherd one day I must not lead others astray.