Expectations and Expression in Everyday Ramblings
- July 16, 2017, 8:54 a.m.
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- Public
Because of the scheduled workshop yesterday and the fact that Mrs. Sherlock was at the annual Women’s Retreat in the Columbia River Gorge (I bet it was beautiful) we didn’t have our weekly hiking adventure. This shot is from two week ago up in the posh neighborhood up by Washington Park.
I learned the other day that one of the functions of the big public rose garden up there was to save varieties of English roses during WW1 in case of catastrophe. I love that someone was thinking about the roses during such difficulty.
I posted a number a months back a link to this short quiz here on the model of The Four Tendencies posited by the writer (and former Supreme Court Clerk) Gretchen Rubin.
I am clearly an Upholder. And following this model I am learning to understand something that I have struggled with my whole life. The Four Tendencies are about how we as humans deal with expectations, both internal and external.
To me they are the same. That is why I am happy and effective working at home. Tell me what the expectations are and I’ll get her done. I am a “self-starter” and need very little supervision.
I do need support though! I am, you know, Homo sapiens just like you.
Lately when I tell others about my pushup challenge I have been frustrated by the responses I get from pretty much everyone. Mrs. Sherlock is the exception, which is probably why I consider her such a good friend. She is a textbook Obliger though, a very skilled one as a retired home health nurse and then a nurse manager.
I posted about this on the Better App for The Four Tendencies and all the responses I got (except one) were just like all the other that frustrated me. The exception came from a woman that suggested that I try to express how hearing these responses feels to me.
Whoa, what a concept! Not being skilled at expressing myself in this way as an introvert I decided to employ the self-assertiveness model we learned in Weight Watchers a few weeks ago.
DESCRIBE the behavior you want changed.
Explain the EFFECT it’s having on you.
SPECIFY what you want or need to change.
Clearly state the CONSEQUENCES for you.
So here goes my attempt…
When I talk about how excited and powerful I feel having put in the effort on this pushup challenge and you respond by saying you could never do that, I feel you are implying that I am crazy to do it, and that never in a million years would you make the attempt because it seems too effortful and unattainable, or maybe that you have an injury or limitation that would preclude doing it.
When you respond that way I feel like there is a sudden shift in the conversation and we seem to be talking about you and your perceived shortcomings, when all I wanted to do was express delight and pride about this cool thing I have accomplished. And how remarkable it is to realize that, for me, building strength is not this huge arduous task but possible in little increments if done consistently. Amazing!
The way I perceive this shift in this conversation means I feel devalued, isolated and “special” and not in a good way. It would be helpful if you could express something positive about my achievement to me about me.
We can talk about you too, but not right this minute. I know you care about me and want me to achieve my goals and I feel that way about you as well. My hope is that we can both express that to each other and hold awareness that we have different styles of communicating and interacting with expectations.
It is so wonderfully human to perceive what someone else is doing and relate that to how we ourselves would experience that thing but for right now I need you to acknowledge my hard won success and help me celebrate it.
And now…let’s talk about you. :)
How did I do? I do realize that just the fact that I teach yoga might mean that you think when I talk about something I want you to do it too but I do lots of things I don’t teach because they are not appropriate for others for various reasons. Maybe I need to work on communicating that too. :)
Last updated July 16, 2022
woman in the moon ⋅ July 16, 2017
This is very interesting. I remember my reaction was just what you said - I said I could never do that. I find I turn a lot of stuff that way - I make it about me. And I understand it was about you. I also understand that whenever anyone goes to the trouble to write about anything that they are bringing something of themselves to the table... and they putting themselves up for exposure so it's all brave.
I'm not sure how you'll take this - lovingly I know because that's who you are - but I was thinking of coming back here and asking if the pushups had firmed up your upper arms. Women will do anything to un-flab their upper arms and I was wondering pushups would do that. Now I've moved the discussion from strength to appearance, and that's a big jump in what's probably the wrong direction too.
One of my favorite Seinfeld lines was when Elaine said to Jerry - just when I think you're the shallowest man on earth, you let some more water out of the pool.
noko woman in the moon ⋅ July 16, 2017
Oh I totally get the appearance angle to fitness. :) The pushups can't hurt. Mostly they build chest muscles that we as women often neglect but have a lot to do with back health but sure they help tone the arms as well. That said I know that it is way more difficult to show muscle definition as we age. I have a little but mostly I am just happy I don't jiggle when I extend my arms. In yoga the cobra pose and variations on it are good for toning the back of the arms.
Deleted user ⋅ July 16, 2017
Excellent point. I think I often boringly respond to what someone writes by relating it to me :-( I mean to commiserate or compliment , but as you clarified for me ; it does miss the point and is not really responding to what the person writing. That I definitely don't mean to do .
It's such a gift to be a self starter . I see that in the activities you do all the time . You have many wide ranging interests and you pursue them actively and well. I think anything that educates a person and makes them feel strong,powerful, and positive are absolutely the best parts of living . Add into that loving your family ( which it is so obvious that you do ), friends, and pets.. You are proactive at keeping yourself as healthy as possible. I admire that greatly .
I also love that people were concerned about protecting the roses during WW1 . :-) Nice entry. It made me think !
Deleted user ⋅ July 16, 2017
I took the quiz : I am an " Obliger" . Somehow that did not surprise me :-)
noko Deleted user ⋅ July 16, 2017
You are in very good company! Pretty much everyone I know is an Obliger and I know a lot of nurses who I wholeheartedly admire.
Deleted user noko ⋅ July 16, 2017
Obligers are not good about taking care of their own business :-( but they are great at minding everyone else's !
Deleted user ⋅ July 16, 2017
You did great! I tend to think that sometimes we can control the effect things have on us too though. The 'you can choose what upsets you'. I think when someone says to me 'I could never do that' about something like I dunno, drawing, walking on the outside of the CN Tower, whatever ... I take it as a compliment. I feel they are saying 'You're doing something unique and special!'. I think I've said 'I could never do that' to people but didn't do it with hopes or expectations of them turning the conversation to me. I would have meant it as 'Wow, great job!' Does that make sense?
I did the quiz, and I'm a 'questioner'. You know, sometimes contrary... :)
noko Deleted user ⋅ July 16, 2017
It does make sense. I am realizing as I work through this today that my feeling experience when others tell me that they admire what I do or say that they could not do something that I am involved with reinforces a sensation of separateness from others that I clearly find painful but in reality probably doesn't exist. It is about feeling unconnected or disconnected or outside of... which has nothing to do with my tendency as an Upholder. I can see that if one felt deeply connected to say a faith or a community or in relation with others that it would seem like a simple pleasant compliment. We are such complex creatures and surely do come into communion with other with a long backstory. :)
Deleted user noko ⋅ July 16, 2017
Well that's very true!! :)
edna million ⋅ July 18, 2017
That is a fantastic response! And I think when I say something like that, it's more in admiration --- although now I also think it's definitely turning the conversation back to myself and away from what the other person has accomplished. It's something I'd never considered, how that could be a very frustrating response.
I took this quiz when you posted it earlier, and I am a questioner. I distinctly recall it being right after Kim found our incredibly wonderful lodgings in Cornwall, and instead of delight, my first response was... a bunch of questions. Not very positive questions, and a lot of doubt! And after taking the quiz it actually has made me consider that, and how I need to be more open to sudden delightful opportunities, instead of my usual barrage of questions and doubt.
The quiz question that said "As soon as someone expects me to do something, I immediately don't want to do it" is SO ME.
Deleted user ⋅ July 19, 2017
Wow! Well done.