the future in Songs

I’ve been stood up for a meeting that I had lugged about 100 lbs of tile and concrete and a box full of resin samples around for, and in being stood up had to put it back without the proper labeling and information. But on the bright side, while I was being stood up I read a little bit about some current affairs in Africa.

I have not really used my miter vice yet. I just this past Sunday turned it on for the first time, but decided I should get some clamps before doing an actual test run.
In terms of crafts, however, I did some repairs on a terry cloth dress that left me really self satisfied.

Update: The person who stood me up eventually came down and apologized, we’re on for tomorrow. It was cute because he said he was just so busy but when I went to go yell at him initially he was flirting with his coworker/suspected girlfriend. I never ended up yelling at him because he was flirting with his gf and they looked like they were having a lot of fun. Then I passed by a conference room and saw other coworkers flirting with each other and got all freaked out and then I saw my office boyfriend who I hardly ever talk to but secretly crush on and we had a very awkward greeting exchange and I was like yep I guess it is just flirting hour.

Brief break for a rambling of uncertainty:
Work is fine, I don’t know if I shared my plan here which is to quit in the winter, sometime in Jan or Feb, depending on how obvious I want to be that I’m only sticking around for the Holiday party. I was going to let everyone know about my plans sometime in October. In my head I imagine them bargaining, but then I get real and realize that my position isn’t necessarily one with longevity. I’ve actually been making an effort to get more work around the office and involve myself in different projects. The thing is though, even though I’m trying to branch out, my tasks are always only data collection and organization. I’m like the poster child for the bottom tier in the information age.
I’m also wavering a lot about my decision. I might wimp out! I want to see some of these projects through that I’ve begun even though my role in it is packmule and even though I regularly feel walked on. Isn’t that just a facet of being in the workforce without a graduate degree? I’m also wavering because I decided that I was going to look for a different job to branch out and gain more experience, but really should I just be going for a graduate degree in one of the many fields I see myself going into? Should I just become a librarian god damn it? And then a mom?? I am sorry to be having a stream-of-consciousness breakdown here right now but I think the toughest thing for millenials, beyond or maybe as a part of our poor economy, is the uncertainty of our futures! What will work look like in the future? What are the politics of the future? What does EARTH look like in the future?? I refuse to put a baby on a planet of impending doom but at the same time I really want a baby one day. I’ve pretty much decided on adoption, but I am wavering on whether or not I’ll also have a biological scoundrel. I want a baby that came out of my own ass!

\uncertainty.

Anyway, for now it is summer and I have so many exciting plans!! This weekend John Henry and I are going up to New England to visit his family, and then I planned a camping trip alongside it just him and me that includes a trip to MassMOCA to see the James Turrell exhibit!

Brief break for a brief rambling:
I’ve been thinking about recently about where I am now and how that compares to what I consider a sordid past, and what it means for who I am. I mean, I frequently dismiss my teen and early twenties as normal, but I don’t think they were! A rape, a PTSD diagnosis, my closest friends getting addicted to heroin, my best friend having a baby and rejecting me when I tried to make her my girlfriend, extreme loneliness, alcoholism, depression, hanging out with older boys, entering into an abusive relationship that isolated me on the other side of the country… and all the quirky things that come along with the unstable lifestyle. I mean those were very formative years for an identity, and here I am still thinking that chaos and freedom are a part of me but I’m also planning trips to art museums and visiting the very new england family of my very stable boyfriend who I love. Going forward I want to retain a bit of the whim and grandness of yesteryear, but I don’t know if it factors in with the new stable life that I’ve somehow found myself in. I do love this life, but I also crave a bit more, but I sure as hell don’t want to go back to the way things were.

\rambling.

I’m dabbling with the idea of picking up astrology or some sort of new age spiritualism again. Kind of as an affront to naysayers just because like “OH WOW LOOK A GENIUS WHO IS TELLING ME THAT ASTROLOGY HAS NO BASIS IN SCIENCE” but also because John Henry came up with a very good point when I was talking about how much naysayers piss me off which is that people with a spiritual identity generally don’t seem to be the ones who are bitter. I’m not saying that realism and science are bad, I’m just saying what Dostoesvky said which is that science was heralded only as it cast aside spirituality… and that is some crap, you know? If I believe anything it’s that the two can coexist just fine.
Also if there is a church of astrology or paganism, I guess count me out but as far as I know it is widely practiced in a disorganized way which is appealing to me.

I guess this was a bit of a ramble too. I am just full of rambles today.

I don’t know, excuse me. Let me continue with my summer plans!!
In August I’m going with John Henry’s family to Utah to visit his grandparents, and then him and I are going to drive up and visit Kate in SLC and Spiral Jetty! Nice!!
Then end of August is John Henry’s birthday and we’ll probably go to the beach and also eat seafood and also drink a lot and then the next day we’re heading up to Maine for Alex and Sean’s wedding! Which I’m pumped about, I’m imagining it with a bunch of fireflies and a general sense of magic. Also going to be visiting Evan in the same trip and hopefully getting to meet his girlfriend.
It’s gonna be a good summer! I’ll probably also take a day off here or there to go to the beach :)