Monday Morning Part 2 in New Diary

It is 11:20 am. Kelly my worker came. She did a good job in cleaning my apartment. My place was in fairly good shape. She ran the sweeper, did a few dishes and took out the trash. Shegot my mail for me. I didn’t get anything interesting in the mail, never do. We had a nice talk. She asked me about my daughter. She asked me why we were estranged. I said my ex wife and former in laws never wanted me around her. She was sixteen the last time I saw her . We talked about credit cards. She said when she was younger she ran up a big credit card debt. Her in laws took out a second mortgage on her house and paid it off. She was saying if you make a minimum payment on a credit card with interest it will take up to ten years. I said I only charge what I can afford to pay off the next month. I said I checked my credit score over the weekend and it was up to 700. She said that was pretty good.

I got to thinking about my last entry. Thinking never does me any good but only gets me depressed. I was thinking about how I spent the entire weekend in my apartment and never talked to a single soul. I was feeling sorry for myself. Then I was saying to myself this is what you get when you don’t make an effort. Nobody is going to come knocking on your door wanting to be friends. The least you can do is get a shower and go sit outside for a while. Perhaps somebody will talk to you. If you do not make an effort nothing will change.

Then I was thinking I have choices to make. I can make the effort or I can stay in my apartment. If I choose to stay in my apartment remember their will be consequences. I will not make friends and I will be alone. If I chose this route then the only person I have to blame for being alone is myself. It does not doo any good to go on a massive pity party I just have to accept the situation for what it is and be content with my books and my music.

I remembered messaging someone the other day. I was saying I do not know if I hate people or just do not like being around other people. I kept thinking about that as well. I really do not think I hate anyone except maybe for one guy in this apartment building. I just do not like being around people. I was always a loner. Perhaps at one point in my life I never wanted to be a loner. I was an outcast and people did not want to have anything to do with me. I really did try to get along with others only to be rejected to be made f in of and to be taken advantage of. It hurt too much and I just learned when people I thought were my friends dumped me. Because of that I have major trust issues It is very hard for me to trust anyone and let them be in my life. I learned to be alone it seems a lot easier to than to go through all that shit.

If this is the case then stop being miserable. It is time to get on with my life. I can start taking care of myself again. I can start by being content with the way things are. I can start doing a lot of things around my apartment. I can do a lot of things that will keep me busy and keep my mind occupied Hell I can start living again.