Bleh... in Fresh Start...

I feel pretty bleh today. I got kinda drunk last night and got sick in public… I’d only had 3.5 beers. It was ridiculous. And of course F was there so kinda embarrassing.

Overall things have been going well. I basically told F the other day that I wasn’t going to compete with anyone and if I’m what he wants I shouldn’t have to. He said he’s with me. But I still feel like he’s got a lot of walls up.

So of course after last night… My retardedness continued into this morning. We slept in.. I was a little hungover. Eventually I initiated sex… not long after round 1 had ended, I told him I loved him. This kinda killed the chances of round 2. He got kinda quiet. He was laying on top of me with his head on my chest. I felt just a drop or two of wetness. After, he tried to say he had something in his eye, but both his eyes were a bit red. I tried to talk to him, but talking about feelings is like pulling fucking teeth. I just felt like I made him really uncomfortable. I asked him if he’d ever said I love you to anyone. Of course the other chick is the only one. Like obviously she hurt him pretty badly but we’ve all been through it. We just went through it at least 10 years earlier. I just wish he would let me in more. I kinda wanted to cry a little bit later by myself.

After all that I got up and fixed a late breakfast. It was getting close to time for him to leave for work, but he still had some time. I was trying for a quickie and got turned down. Fun stuff. I’m hoping for a better night, but first I have to get up and clean.