Fired in New Beginnings

I’m fired. To be more accurate, they’re letting me resign from my position, so I they won’t fire me. Let me back up. I had my mid-year review on Tuesday. I was expecting a positive leaning review, albeit a mixed one. Nope. My manager came in, sat down, and immediately informed me that I wasn’t making traction like he expected me to. He even brought in the HR lady to sit in on the meeting with us. They gave me some vague yet unarguably true criticisms, like I wasn’t reviewing my work, I wasn’t taking enough initiative on my objectives, and that I seemed distracted. Their course of action was to closely monitor my work for the next 60 days. I was to set up weekly meeting with my manager, in addition to the biweekly meetings I’m currently having, to discuss my progress everything I’m supposed to be working.

They then wanted to get into why I wasn’t performing, after all my hard work to get my CPA. I tried to deflect, but they pushed, and I gave them a very abridged version of what happened. I was going to be a special agent, my dad had his brain injury, and I had to go to my fall back option. They asked me why I hadn’t tried to pursue that career again. I had to explain that I was past the age limit and that I no longer had enough references to pass the background check. They had written out a contract for me to sign regarding the remedy they wanted to pursue, and they asked me how I’d like to proceed. I paused, and they offered me a day to think about my answer. I suspect they wanted me to quit, so they wouldn’t have to fire me. At least, it didn’t seem like that during the conversation, but as I reflected on it over the next 24 hours, that became my impression.

At our follow up meeting the next day, we all sat down in the meeting room, exchanged pleasantries, and asked me about my thoughts. I took a deep breath and said, “I think my time at IMERYS has come to an end, and I think you should set my final day and find a replacement.” They asked me if I was sure, and what would I pursue. I politely responded that they shouldn’t worry about me; I would be all right. They didn’t set a final date, suggesting that it would be through the end of August at least. I was kind of hoping for two weeks; I’d rather not drag this out.

I feel great, if a little scared. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Something I really struggle with is how hard professional life has been compared to academic life. When I was a student, I was a star. My competence was never in question. My efficiency, maybe, but my ability to become proficient at the material wasn’t an issue. My ability then has not transferred over to professional life. I suck at my job. I thought I was at least serviceable, that I may never get beyond my current level, but I could at least justify my continued employment. Apparently, such is not the case. I now worry about what I could do. My credentials now make me overqualified for any job I would be competent at. Conversely, any prospective employers would likely want to put me in a role I would fail at based upon my degrees and license. I’m glad this ordeal will end soon, but I don’t want to jump into the same problem somewhere else.

As luck would have it, or maybe it was fate, I just happened to find a accounting instructor position open a technical college where I’m originally from. It’s a good hour’s drive at least from my home, but I was almost a perfect fit. The only item I lacked on their requirements was a year teaching at the college level. I may not have that, but I do have experience training newly hired coworkers on applicable accounting responsibilities, a point I certainly pointed out in my cover letter. The job listing was supposed to expire tonight at midnight, but when I checked it again today, it was closed. Maybe when I submitted my application, they thought I was excessively appealing, and they decided they didn’t care to see any more applications. I hope I hear from them next week. I applied to so many jobs during the recession only to get silence; I’d hate to endure that again. I wonder if this position could be the answer. I would be working in an academic environment, which I thrived in as student, so I wouldn’t find myself in the same predicament I’m in right now. I also like the idea of getting spring break, summer vacation, and Christmas break again.

I’m still dating Holly. She seems to adore me. I like her a lot, but I can’t say that I feel as intensely about her as she does about me. There’s been a few times that fact came out. Once when we were eating dinner and she asked me if I was feeling pressured, when I said “yes” she was visibly hurt. I’ve tried to explain to her my side of the situation: we dated for a month in December, developed some strong feelings for each other rather quickly, she called it off, then she wanted to try it again five months later. I don’t to jump back in and make the same mistake the first time. I wanted to start over and take things slowly, where as she wanted to pick thing up like we never stopped. She also made a comment that really bothered me. She has a mother in her 70s who isn’t in the best health. Holly is an only child, so her mother relies on her for support. My heart goes out to her because I had a similar experience with my dad. However, Holly has been taking care of her mom far longer than I took care of my dad, and she said that when her mom dies, she might lose her mind. She immediately stated that she would find it again. I’ve already gone through that with my dad. He went crazy when my mom died, and I don’t think I can go through that again. I also don’t know how my pending job change may affect things. If I have to learn a new position, I don’t know if I’m going to have the wherewithal to deal with a relationship. We’re not seeing each other exclusively, but it sometimes feels like we are as affirming as she can be towards me. I wonder how I would call it off if that’s what needs to happen. How do you break up with someone? I’ve never had this problem.