so much in diary

I have so much to type..but not sure I will type any of it. This time last night I thought I had it all figured out. I had integrated being useful and happy. That is the core of the desire for health and money. But then today was terrible again and I am not sure what to do. I had decided to give up the hunt for a good cpap mask and settle for the old one. With it I get a few 90% plus sleeps a week and maybe can get back to health. With some of the others I go weeks with nothing over 70 and it starts to show/wear on me.
I am trying total gluten free again, thinking that the not totally gluten free may be part of the fatigue. No change and about 2 weeks in.
What is changed is my finances. I did not get my cheque like I expected today and even before today I was/am flat flat flat broke. To the point of very bottom of the old stuff in the cupboard that has sat there for years. And needed spring water for tomorrow but had none, and not even enough for 2 gallons in quarters. $2. Hard to not create more when I am worried about it to this extent. Hard to stay positive.
Antionette gave/loanedme money for level 1. Part of me thinks how could I borrow that when I can’t afford water? But part of me fears not going. Last time I never went I ended up in surgery 2 times that year. I can’t do that again.
Today was Dad’s birthday. I should have went out to home to see the farm and visit his grave. Did that most other years. But no money and probably not enough energy. I did also want to go see Barry’s grave. It is time again. Been thinking of him lots.
I have a glimmering hope that the money for level 1 and 2 and to be comfortable will still arrive and that I will get even a little of my energy back to stay. How do I still have this? And how do I make it stay? How do I not give up?
Played bubbles with Ethan and Ember as Kathleen cleaned my house today. Little joys and gifts that make me really really want to be useful and happy for years to come.
I know I meant to journal here to help me cope. I maybe need to do that too. It skirts around my thoughts sometimes. But sometimes it is journal or eat.
Oh I muscle tested what is going on with me. It started with Antionette asking what happened 8 years ago..when diabetes and other med things seem to have kicked off. Only thing I could think of was kids started aging out and me realizing that raising kids does not have a retirement plan and things were gonna get tight. Then when Dad died and I had life insurance my health got better. And got worse when the money was gone.
Anyways got 50% financial worries…50% not eating well enough. Hmmm. Would have tried to remedy that today..if my cheque had showed up. Come on money..show up..let’s get this healing started.