On my mind tonight are queations of morality. With faith in a belief structure to back them. What of energy work? Most chriatians would declare it a hoax all together. They have not seen what I have seen. Yet they have seen the holy spirit move and work and heal. So then, is this magical energy of a person’s soul the vessel which the holy spirit moves through? With my knowledge of the human spirit and the energy which flows through the earth I have done much. I cannot stop using what I have learned. It is innate. And so much the easier now that it is backed with a generous knowledge of it’s anatomy. What more could I do with the holy spirit guiding my work. Is the manipulation of magical energy wrong? Is it witchcraft? Or simply another gift from God to allow me to heal people? Could healing people ever be wrong?
And what of using herbs for healing? Some of them are backed by science and used by the general populace, and some of them are not. My books gave them attributes, dedicating them to various gods, but don’t they all belong to my God? Didn’t he create them all? How then could I call this witchcraft? And not healing uaing God’s gifts to us that grow from the earth? I suppose I should be careful with this method of thinking. After all didn’t God also make the tree with fruit of the knowledge of good and evil? We should have this knowledge, our ancestors haven eaten it, and yet I struggle with morality. The finer points of right and wrong elude me? Healing does not harm anyone. It appears to be beneficial to all. Could this possibly be wrong?
These and so many more questions bounce around my mind like pinballs. I need a padtner to help me unravel them. Yet I have not found my perfect partner yet. I ask God so many questions. Lately the answers are all the same: Be still. Be still and know that I am God. Patience. It will become clear to you in time. Everything in my time, the perfect time. Relax.
I know I worry too much about little things. But I want to know if I am doing something wrong. I am afraid of making my God angry. I muat be cautious. I know he loves me and he will never leave. But there’s a nagging question about salvation still. God tells us that accepting the blood of Jesus Christ will save our soul and waah away our sins. But did God hear me when I prayed for my salvation alone? I believe he did. I believe he is always there and always listening. But the Bible also suggests that God turns away from sinners. It says his presence is there when ‘two or more are gathered to worship.’ What of prayer? Did I need another person to pray with me in order to ensure his presence? I doubt it. God is everywhere. So why does this question keep coming into my mind. Perhaps because I am still wanting to pray with you, J. Whether for this or anything. I want to see how you speak with God. Do you speak differently than others, like I do? I still remember that conversation. You asked if I spoke to God too? Said you spoke to him differently than other people. My mom always thought the way I prayed was strange too. The things I prayed for. How informally I speak to a diety. Isn’t God my father? Shouldn’t I speak candidly with him? Honestly? He knows me heart. Why should I address him fearfully and formally when he is always in my heart and mind?
If you are out there reading this J, I am praying for you. I hope you will pray for me too. Walking this path alone is proving to be a challenge. I am glad of my choice to accept Jesus. I am glad of that. I know I will never be alone. It is impossible for me to die alone now. He is always with me. I try to walk with him, to do as he asks, and enjoy the little miracles. Yet, I am so lonely. It weighs down on my heart. Human companionship. I am slowly finding friends who share my beliefs. But none of them are like me. I feel singled out. Will it always be this way? Is there no one else like me? Who could understand? I need the support and love of a partner. I pray I will find that. All in God’s time, I’m sure. Whoever is reading this now, if you pray, please pray for me. Pray that I will find the perfect partner I seek. That I will recognize him, and he me. And that I will have the patience to wait for him. And that I don’t screw it up this time. If it’s meant to be you can’t screw it up right? Still doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying my beat to make myself into the woman my future husband needs. I am lonely, but I am not alone. Not anymore. Bless you who will pray for me. May God bless your life.