No Good About Good-bye in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I know that that last entry was a rambling mess, but that’s because I wrote it over a period of about two weeks and kept losing my train of thought and coming back to it.

To boil it down to something simple: although I want to leave, there are some serious issues that I have that are rooted in this place and my identity here. I can try to leave, like I have many times before, but I will just end up carrying that baggage with me and it will hinder me there just as it hinders me here.

It’s not just my aunt and uncle, it’s rooted in issues of shame that I have within myself and frankly, I hold myself back from a lot of things and engage in repetitive behaviors that keep me from evolving as a person. That what I mean about “another way to die”. If I can’t find myself as complete and whole, I am already as dead as my grandmother. She was incomplete and ravaged by a stroke since I was born, but she never felt insecure about who she was or was shaken from her identity. She knew that she might have been diminished physically, but she was still whole.

To say that I’m “lost” would be kind. I’m not lost, I’m walking around with blinders on. So I have to remove those and find that place where I can get back to a beginning. Everyone older than I am keeps telling me how young I am. I’ve felt old since I was 17 and actually getting older has compounded that into a feeling where I believe I am too far gone. That’s untrue.

I refuse to be saddled with this weight any longer. I have to let it go and say good-bye to it. Not because it’s good or bad but because it will free me and allow me to accept change. Change happens and it’s better if we move with it like the currents of a river.