Storm, Fragments, I Don't Want To Be A Rachel in Maniacs, Prophecy, and Old Friends

  • June 1, 2017, 11:48 p.m.
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  • Public

A wave of unexpected emotions.
I feel a sense of panic and urgency but I’m not sure why. Am I just nervous about going to a show tomorrow? It’s not a big one. I’m not even performing of course. There will be alot of people though. More people means more anxiety for me.

At the same time I’m feeling guilty, but what have I done wrong this time? It feels like some recent action but I am not sure. This feeling, like the others, doesn’t seem to be attatched to anything. Am I picking up a wave of empathy from someone else? Or maybe I’m just imbalanced at the moment? Or maybe these are foreshadowing…

Guilt, panic, sadness, a feeling that I’m trying to hold everyhing together but I’m squeezing so tightly that the pieces are crushing in my hands. I look around at all the things that are STILL not done. Why? Why can’t I seem to pick myself up and get life done. I’m struggling. Tears come to my eyes several times a day for almost no reason, but then they just rest there, not flowing, not caused by anything. Was it a sad song on the radio? Maybe a memory? Or maybe just a fleeting thought? Must have been something right?

And then there are fragments. Future events? Or just anxiety? Just little pieces of things. A child’s face. A blue robed man leading song of praise. Your beloved girl being dragged away. Screaming. Helpless to stop it. A horse. You are angry. I’m late. Little things. I think I feel the movements of a phantom child in my womb, but none is there. Little fragments. My son’s voice. And that woman so familiar to you saying to me, voice clear as a Belle, ‘Don’t be afraid. This is how it will happen.’ Why would we be shown things that we cannot affect? What is the point of this gift? What is the purpose? Are we doing it wrong? I wish I could ask you, J, because maybe you would know better. You have more experience with this, it’s always been clearer to you. I cannot stay ahead of someone that can see the future can I?

Tell me it will be all right.
Tell me the good things.
I am afraid.

I think about how Rachel died young giving birth to a child she didn’t know she was going to have. Was this punishment for pagan rirual? Why do I feel so certain that it was a fertility god her family revered? My research on the subject has lead me nowhere. They say it was because she took the family gods. Did you know she also stole her brothers’ inheritance? They say so many things, but not enough to ease my mind. Everyone wants to be Rachel right?

Not me.
Why? Because what everyone else doesn’t see is that she was the other woman. The adulterous woman. Sure Jacob loved her more. But God gave Jacob to Leah first. They say it was because she prayed, and cried, and begged God for him. So that her children might be godly. And she would not be married to an adulterer. Imagine the horror she felt after only a week in the land of ‘dreams-really-do-come-true’ to find her beloved had cheated on her with her sister. And then the rejection she must have felt as he continued to spend all his time with Rachel no matter what she did. And yet, she was his rightful bride.

Do you see why I wouldn’t want to be Rachel yet? Leah’s life was one of constant pain and for what sin? None the Bible cares to mention. On the other hand, Rachel is noted as a liar, a thief, an adulterer, and an idol worshiper. The irony that it’s almost the same line up of sins that Esau was said to be guilty of, minus murder. You are guilty of most of these sins too are you not?

It doesn’t escape my attention that God’s chosen people, so revered in the Bible, are all horrible sinners. And it seems like they are kind of assholes too. I guess that should make me feel better. Even assholes and sinners can do the work of God. Did you know that Rachel was a pagan? After all, what were those mandrakes for? Do you know? I do. The Witch of Endor knows. Did you know that that story is one of love and not one of witchcraft?

But I am off track again, why would I not desire to be the sister who is loved? Of course I’d want a husband who loves me. But it seems that Jacob had little RESPECT for Rachel. He buried her where she died, errecting a pillar. He changed the name of what was believed to be her only surviving son. Leah, on the other hand, was given the highest honor of burial and many children whose reign on the earth would be enduring and steadfast. Jacob’s dieing wish was to be buried by her side. Perhaps, she was not his beloved, but his best friend.

I wouldn’t mind being that.

Even though the jealousy will hurt me dearly. I keep seeIng that boy in my head that I made up at such a young age. How could he not be you? But he must not be. I must believe there is still a chance for me to find my perfect mate and keep him. And for me to have the big family I always wanted.

They say Leah’s eyes were weary from crying over Jacob. I don’t mind so much.

One more thing before I go. Why is it that the sisters’ mom isn’t mentioned? Bothersome. Their description gives me the impression that there might have been two mothers. After all Leah was fair with soft eyes, assumably meaning pale skin and blue eyes. Rachel was beautiful. For a middle eastern woman, that likely meant carmel skin, brown eyes, anf long brown or black hair. But how could they look so different? (Did you know blue eyes would have been seen as a disfiguring birth mark by the people of the area?) Leah could not be an albino, having given birth to half the 12 tribes personally, there would be more albinos wouldn’t there? No. She must have had a different mother. Perhaps a foreigner. Those soft eyes… Did they see the future? Or maybe ghosts? Or maybe they read minds? What gifts did these people have?

A question I’d have you ponder: what makes something an idol? It does not have to be another god you worship. It could be a collection of objects in a box kept so dearly. It could be a special possession you cannot part with. It could be someone you skip church to be with. Idol worship goes deeper. I ask myself, am I making you an idol? Have I become so preoccupied with you that I’m losing my way? I try to stay on track. I associate you with my faith, but I’d like to believe I’d still have my faith if I lost you. Yet, a pray that I never will lose you. I don’t know how my life will go. It is sometimes scary. But I could not see me without you. Like a lighthouse through the storm…

Tell me it will be alright?

Your voice sings on in my head.
Miss you.
Stay strong.

Last updated June 02, 2017

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