I keep trying to think of ways to sedate myself. Nothing’s wrong, not really. I’m just really good at being anxious. I’m not very good at drinking. I just tried Kenny’s vape and it was lovely.
Kenny is really lovely in general. I brought taco stuff over for dinner on Saturday, and we finished watching the Louis CK show we’d started. Then we saw The Secret Life of Pets. It wasn’t very good, but it was cute. I was happy Kenny suggested a cute movie. The next morning he made me pancakes and coffee. They were delicious. He used the cake flour I’d brought over a few weeks ago… so good.
We just hung around all day, just food and sex. Kenny looked for new music, I hung out on the laptop. We started making out, and I sucked on his cock for a while. I liked the way he had me rub his balls. Then he said that was enough on the balls. He tastes good, too. I started fucking myself with my large vibrating dildo, and he kissed me, rubbed my stomach, and counted me down from 10 to come. I asked him where he wanted to come, and he said in my tight little pussy. He fucked me as I bent over the side of the bed, and I reached my arms back and let him pull on them to fuck me harder. He came right away. For dinner, he made me tri tip steak, mushrooms, and yams. He does this wonderful thing where he just microwaves the yam, slices thick slices, and puts butter on each slice. It’s easy to peel off the skin from each slice at the table. It was all really really good.
Then we got coffee. We went to Temple. He had cold brew and a chocolate covered coconut bar treat, and I had a giant chocolate chip cookie and a mocha.
At the dance, he looked so beautiful. He wore his white dance shoes, black slacks, and black shirt with white pin stripes. His brown hair was slicked back, and his big brown eyebrows and eyes were friendly and sweet. He stood tall, and I stood on my tip toes to kiss him.
Even with how lovely all of that was, I still found a way to freak out. I’m always scared that I’m not good enough. That I weigh too much. Simultaneously I worry that I’m not good enough at my job, and that I’m so good that I should have gotten a raise ages ago. I worry about politics, I worry that we’re about to get into a giant war, I worry that things won’t get so bad that the good people that don’t usually do anything won’t do anything. I worry that I’m a good person that doesn’t do anything. I worry that I won’t perform dancing, that I’ll be too scared. I worry that I’ll just keep being scared, and that I’ll either just be old and scared, or that I’ll give up sooner.
I don’t know how to just not be scared. I know a lot of other people are scared, and I guess that helps. Kenny said he has no idea what he’s doing, but he just got used to not knowing what he’s doing. Maybe it’s like getting better at spinning? It isn’t that I don’t get dizzy, the world still swirls and I can’t see properly. I just don’t worry about it as much. I know it will pass, I know I’m not going to fall over, and I know that just because things look swirly, it doesn’t mean things are bad.
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