It’s funny. I got so used to her standing behind you all the time and her dropping in to talk to me that I miss her now that she’s gone. I figure, that year, I got to know her almost as well as you. She was a brat! But also she was alot like me. We got along. If I was more honest we’d get along perfect. If I did what she said it would probably work, but I’m trying to do what is right. What God wants. Not what she wants. She isn’t my mom after all. And why would any sain person believe I was speaking to her at all. I’m sure your sister thinks I made it all up. Despite any evidence to the contrary.
I didn’t understand that conversation until recently you know? I wasn’t trying to use her against you. When she was gone there was a complete disconnect somehow. I forgot all about her right away. So I was worried something horrible had happened to you. That’s why I was talking to your sister. She could help. But she misunderstood. She thought I was spreading rumors. She never liked me anyway you know?
So when we had that conversation I didn’t understand. It was something like this:
‘Mom? Can I talk to you?’
‘Why are you calling me mom?!’
‘That’s what I always call you.’
‘Stop calling me that.’
‘What should I call you then?’
‘Call me S.’
‘Why would I call you that? That’s wierd.’
‘Because that’s my name! Not mom. Not Rachel. S.’
‘No. Your name is AB.’
‘What!? Just shut up jerk!’
‘Everyone’s mad at me today.’
And well you know where it went from there. I didn’t understand then. You really thought I was her. I didn’t get it. Thought you had some sort of crazy mommy issues. Now I see. We looked alike. I said you were the only one who could see me or hear me. I didn’t realise… That’s why you did what I said. I didn’t think you would. I was just angry. You broke my heart. I think someone tried to explain it to me. Tried to get me to take it back. Tried to warn me that you always did what she said. I was cold. I was angry. I was sad. I wasn’t listening or I wasn’t understanding. And now I know how I lost you. Yet there’s still nothing I can do to get you back. Nothing that wouldn’t be sinful.
I miss her almost as much as I miss you. Maybe she will come back tonight and give me hope. Or maybe she’s finally fed up with me. I don’t know. Is it possible to love a ghost? One you never met in life? Is it possible that somehow I started thinking of her just the way she wanted me to? As a mother-in-law? Miss her. Miss you. Not sure how much of this is crazy.
I remember the thing she did with her dress. Just like I did when I wore a skirt with a petticoat and showed it off to G. The way she smiled when someone called her pretty. She loves you so much.
Last updated May 25, 2017