get out tonight. in Sometimes I feel dead inside

the desiccated city of my origins. the part of the world i pride myself to be from, the gray harsh environment that i can no longer live in but will defend to my end. the beautiful empty spaces that used to hold so much life, now quiet. my memories giving them the only life they have left. slowly the anchor that held me in place is being erased and i am set to drift in this ocean of garbage. the places i used to know, the place i had my first kiss, the place i bonded with brothers over mischief, the hallowed grounds where playing held the greatest adventure are being removed. do the memories get wiped away like ghosts? the parking lot where my first kiss happened that used to hold a diner now has been torn down and replaced with a used car lot. erased like it never happened. like i never held her hands on that cooler night, my heart trying desperately to do the best it could to escape my chest. the joy division sound track just sounded like a billion bees as my mind filled with terror and excitement. i just went for it, not knowing what i was doing or if i was even doing it right. she hugged me tighter like she was trying to snap my spine in half. we stayed in that moment for what must’ve been years, the joy and excitement and fear all mixing together making the most intoxicating of drugs. its all gone, the girl from my life, that innocence i had in the moment, my future plans torn down and built over. no proof that anything existed but memories, erase me and it might as well never happened. it felt so important at the time, i still aspire to have moments like that in my life now, where the soundtrack, the moment, the joy, excitement, hope and fear mix in that perfect balance. like an addict chasing their first high, but now wise enough to know that it can’t be the same, the hope isn’t there, or its just not as strong. slowly as the moments that made me are being erased and i’m becoming desensitized the world holds less magic as it used to. the wells of anger and despair have grown exponentially while the happiness, hope, and jubilance has shrunk in response. the locations are being destroyed, the ability to feel the same as i did then is vanishing with them. does that mean that once all the places that hold special memories are gone so am i? or since so many are gone is that why i feel like i’m drifting? no direction, no mission, no future, and a disappearing past. will i just become a blank person in the crowd, that body you walked past earlier today but never noticed the face or even remember what i looked like other than “human shaped”.