Ramshackled in 2017

I feel like I’m going insane.

I tried to pull an all-nighter a couple nights ago to reset my sorry-ass sleep schedule, but fell victim to a nap that ended up being several naps hidden in one. I attempted to sleep at a decent-ish time last night, and could only sleep for about twenty minutes. I felt like I was laying on the sun, even with a fan pointed at me. Sometimes I get warm easily, but that was new, not being able to sleep because I’m so oddly warm. So I just existed in bed for a few hours, then gave up. I don’t want to go to sleep now, that’ll just make things worse.

Lately I dread trying to sleep. I keep getting anxiety, and before that I couldn’t sleep due to hacking up a lung and getting headaches. Laying in bed sick playing video games for several weeks felt like regression, and this does as well. Being up far into the night, feeling nostalgic, alone, slightly depressed…I spent far too many nights like that in the past. Especially when I was in Michigan. It was undesirable, but comfortable in a way. I don’t need it anymore. I’ve no interest in brooding over the past as I once did. I would very much like to get to the future, in fact, where opportunities for self-improvement await. Something of me is keeping me from that.

Yesterday was completely unproductive. Today is an improvement. Since I couldn’t sleep, I cleaned some stuff in the kitchen and took out recyclables and stuff. I consider myself a clean person, and maybe things are untidy sometimes, but they’re still not bad. It has been getting worse though. Both the roommate and I are a lot lazier than when we first moved into this newest apartment last summer. I can’t stand for it anymore. I don’t know what’s causing the funk I seem to be in, so until I do, I may as well attack some of the symptoms. My room definitely needs some spring cleaning too, there are piles of things stacked on each other on pretty much any available shelf. It’s important that home be in good condition. That’s your sanctuary, where you save your game and recover health and whatnot.

I feel like I’m in my own personal hell when I’m like this. Out of my mind, manic, exhausted, but productive. I feel like I get more done when sleep-deprived than when I’m well-rested. I was like that often post-Mayumi, when I was playing bass a lot and losing a fair amount of weight by exercising all the time. It’s not something I can ever get used to, and I’m sure there are negative effects of shorting yourself on sleep beyond the obvious.

I am just trying not to lay down. I just got done playing bass for about an hour, so that’s not too bad. Anything to keep me awake. I had planned on finally getting back to driving for reals tonight, but that’s clearly not going to happen. Even just going to the grocery store to get the suddenly sick roommate some supplies could have easily been hazardous due to fatigue. I can’t really focus on much or think straight, but that’s okay. One day at a time, for now. Today, one hour at a time.