Lest it Seem... in 2017

This place is my ‘go-to’ for my crazy. The thoughts and feelings surrounding Ivy’s birth are what brought me back to writing. And I imagine that it will seem like most of my writing is about her. But slowly, as time passes, its not always as encompassing as it may seem.

I will always for every second in this life miss my daughter and what should have been. I can tell you that I have never felt this kind of....broken. And I pray to God that I never have to experience a tragedy this shattering again.

Mornings usually start out okay, thankfully. Sleep has been (mostly) dreamless. Mornings are a school-induced haze of rushing to get Fiona fed, dressed and out the door for kindergarten. Orion and I tend to laze about the morning, playing, tee-veeing, books, puzzles. Jammies, coffee (for me, not him!) . Kitchen clean-up if there are lingering dishes from the night before. We get Fiona from the bus at noon and will play outside if the weather cooperates. Lunch maybe 1-ish and then my boy will nap. Laundry, cleaning…yadda yadda.

Post Ivy, its been tough to stay present, always. I find myself retreating to my computer a lot. Initially, I was bathing myself in others’ stories. So many like, but different than, myself. So many babies die you guys. Its impossibly heavy. But there is comfort in the company. Talking to someone who gets it.

As time passes, Im doing less online searching. Using the support forums as less of a crutch. More and more Im finding myself mindlessly browsing, which is kind of a relief from the intensity. Im becoming more aware of the outside world, and current events. Im starting to wake up. Numbness is subsiding, and that funny thing called grief isnt so linear. Good days, bad days. More like minute by minute.

My therapist thinks that I am expecting an awful lot of myself. This does both good and bad, I suppose. Something has to motivate me to push myself out of bed every morning. Woo-hoo basic function. I feel guilty that Im not the fun, functional mom I was before my baby died. But I try. Sometimes harder than others, but its there. Fine line between functioning and hiding from life? Charlene (my therapist) reminds me that its been 3 months. Its not like this loss happened years ago. She reminds me to allow myself time to feel. Feelings arent my favorite. But shes right, I suppose. In the big picture, this time will be a minute in space. Its okay to be broken right now.

Last updated May 03, 2017