Rambling shit in Stuff

Finally forced myself to get my arse to the gym. I was so fucking lazy last week and only went the once, and I don’t like going on my days off because I like to kill two birds with one stone by going after work, but I really should because I get so bored laying around the house trying not to go out and spend money, but it’s not a realistic way to live, you know? I need to stop trying to save so much at once and rather ration it so I can stop being such a homebody. And the gym is already paid until next year, so it’s not like this costs me any more.

After Monday’s ‘episode’, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’ve looked at Real Estate agents at what rentals and prices are around the area, I’ve been looking at Seek to see what types of jobs are available at the moment. Just looking at options without committing to anything. As usual lol. I do like my job at the moment though. I work very hard and it keeps me so busy that it keeps my mind off all the other crap in my life.

The problem is that I think I’m boring. Beyond boring. I’m trying to save and it’s hard in a part-time retail job, and because I have three consecutive days off every week, I generally have a lot of time to think. And Monday just downspirallled. Thankfully I felt better yesterday after having a decent sleep. I also decided not to have any rum drinks the previous night, and it seemed to work. But my brain was still mentally sore from the previous day. It was like, “What the fuck was that about, Matt?”

So because I’ve been being boring, I decided to copy more OD entries over to this diary (if you can call Prosebox a diary?). I got through quite a few more entries and am up to September 2006 so far. I have a long way to go but I’m getting there, and I figure if I do a little bit at a time, I should eventually get there, even if it takes me 3 years lol. I do hate that I’ve lost a lot of the photos from those entries but I’ve generally described them in the entries, so I can somewhat recall what a lot of them were.

I tell you what though. I’m so thankful to Billy for suggesting that I start an OpenDiary back in the day. It’s helped me immensely. It’s caused fights as well because certain people in my life have been curious to read about this mostly-introvert’s life.
I’m re-reading each entry as I post it, and I’m remembering how cool my life was in my early 20’s. I was working full-time (at the same company funnily enough, although I did leave for a few years), I had a boyfriend who I obviously loved at the time but was confused as to what love was (I think) and I had a car and was out doing shit all the time. I was clubbing, visiting friends, even attending church.

And me now. What the hell is my life? Freaking out about not having a deposit for a house nearing my mid-30’s and not going out or hanging with friends because of it? And it seems unattainable anyway. Even a deposit needs to be gigantic because of the prices lol, but at least I wouldn’t have to keep renting, which I’ve been doing for 15 years now. Crazy to think about. Renting has its pros though and I haven’t minded it, but the fact I’ve lived in my current place for going on 9 years means I’m not much of a mover. I certainly was in my 20’s, so maybe that’s why I’ve been so comfortable in Spring Hill for so long.

I don’t have the confidence I did in my 20’s (reading these entries back). I’ve been keeping them private so they don’t clog up anyone’s bookmarks, and who wants to read about me 11 years ago anyway? If I accidentally leave one public as I’m crossing them over, I do apologise. I’m trying to be careful.
I was a bit all over the place in my 20’s, but surely being in my 30’s isn’t meant to feel this boring, right? It’s why I tend to just be like, ‘fuck this’ and go on a trip somewhere, but it’s hard trying to be sensible.
I don’t like going out anyway because I can’t stand the bitchiness of the gay scene. And yet Andrew keeps getting in housemates who are out like 3 times a week. Coop definitely is. I pretty much haven’t seen him in two weeks. Nick’s not as bad, as he’s 28, but he had a wild night out for his birthday on the weekend, and fair enough.
Him crawling into my bed when he’s high seems to have been one of the most exciting things to have happened to me over the past year, and how sad is that?!

One thing that hasn’t changed since I was in my 20’s is I’m still commitment-phobic. I can’t stand someone invading my space for too long. Dating is waaaay too confronting. I hate talking to strangers, and I might as a well be at a job interview.
When er dropped me off at work on Sunday, he asked something about why I haven’t dated and also said he had a proposition for me, but I think I already wrote about that. Still not sure how I feel about that. He says that he wants to see what I’m like drunk, which just tells me he thinks I’m boring sober too. Why am I so negative? Not an attractive quality. And then when I’m called out on it, I’m like “fuck you.”

I also still want to go and get tested for everything again. Even though I have the all-clear. It’s amazing how much it fucked with my head this time around, and I still feel like I don’t feel like I should. I told Peter that I’m sure the guy I got it from knew he had the clap but just didn’t tell me. I don’t know why I feel that, but I just do. The fact he’s ignored my message telling him to get treated seems to have confirmed that enough for me. I’m just had I didn’t give it to Peter. The fact he’s stuck around and still seems to want to get to know me is pretty cool.
He knew about my episode on Monday also and just asked if I was okay and that he’s there to talk to if I want.

Anyway I want to write more but the gym is getting busy and I need to do something other than cycling.