Realizing... in Book of M...

I think I’m finally beginning to realize that M was just this pipe dream that was never going to happen.

For a long time after I kicked out my ex bf I was constantly asking myself why I wasn’t enough. Why was doing drugs and drinking more important than me? M was the first guy after all that to make me feel attractive. So what did I do? My dumbass fell. Only to end up right back where I started. Only this time I had someone to compare myself against. And this whole time I was basically thinking “Yeah, I have a good job, my own house, financially secure, but I also have a bunch of animals and she’s just way prettier than me.” It always comes down to me being too fat and not pretty enough in my mind. I’ve never been the girl guys hit on. Then, after the aforementioned group photos… I definitely don’t think she’s prettier than me and at this point I don’t think she’s thinner than me either. The ex hubby agreed, but then again I think he’s biased.

So that leads me to wonder what is so wrong with me then?

A lot most likely.

It would never work. I’m not sure it’s ever going to work with anyone. I need to resign myself to loneliness. I mean let’s be realistic… my current suitors are a 45 year old commitmentphobe who calls me darling and can’t keep it up, a 33 year old alcoholic who also can’t keep it up, or the 30 year old who just switched jobs and still lives at home with his insane sounding family who also can’t keep it up. I attract fucking winners obviously. FML