4/13 in --

Imposter syndrome is an odd thing. I’m almost done with my first year of graduate school, but I’ve felt it since I was an undergraduate. I still don’t feel like I belong there, and I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing. I feel way less academic and less skilled than my classmates, and I always wonder how I got there.
I always have anxiety hoping I don’t let people down, because then they’d find out that I’m not actually as skilled as everyone else. I always feel like I am especially less skilled at writing than my classmates, especially when it comes to academic writing. I want to fit in to academia so badly, but I just don’t think that I do. I’m not smart enough, educated enough, focused enough, skilled enough, etc. I’m not enough.

I most likely am doing all right.

I mostly feel incompetent when it comes to networking and finding how to get myself into a career that I want. I feel off-kilter when it comes to that path. I just can’t seem to find a good way to get there. The way I got the job I currently have is I e-mailed the director and explained that I’m a graduate student looking for experience in disability services.... and here I am. Ultimately, this isn’t exactly what I want to be doing, but I am certainly glad that I had the courage to put myself out there in the first place. It’s not easy for people like me.
I’m trying very hard to get into academic research, but so far I feel completely clueless. I got an e-mail the other day about an opening in my department for a graduate research assistant during the summer. I’m definitely applying. If I don’t get it, I don’t know what I’ll do.

I’m just nervous that this isn’t going to work out for me. I’m nervous that my current path will not lead me to somewhere desirable. All I’ve ever wanted (besides children) was to be in a career that I love, because it’s too exhausting and miserable otherwise. Work is hard for me, socially. Because of how my brain works, I’m fried by the end of the day. I just want to not feel so fried, y’know?

Anyway, I’m busy at work and don’t remember what else I wanted to write about.