Why Is Everything So Heavy? in Just Moments

~I can’t believe that it’s been a while since my last update! Life has been moving. I haven’t really mastered my resolutions in my last entry, but they are a work in process. At least I haven’t forgotten about them!!

~So I have done a lot of thinking lately and these are some of the things I have figured out… I’m in love with E, I’ve been in love with him since I met him 11 years ago. I have also figured out that we will never be together. I’m not sure why but it’s just something I know. We can spend amazing nights together and tell each other things and be close, but in the end we won’t end up together. It still makes me sad to think about that, but I’m working on accepting it. The only way I will fully accept it is if I don’t see him anymore. Shouldn’t be too hard as we don’t see each other often, but it’s a lot for me to give up. I can do it, as I did that with G when he left me. Will it take a while, yes it will. But each day will get a little easier. Hopefully.

~My girls weekend trip to Vegas is in two weeks. I can’t believe it’s here already. I remember planning this 6 months ago. I’m actually a little surprised that A and I are still friends. We have an on and off again relationship sometimes. Recently we’ve been on, which has been a big help to me. I have someone in my life who I can talk to everyday if I need to. I mean I have my family but there are just some things they don’t really need to know about!

~I’m debating moving again. Funny thing is that I’m debating moving back to my hometown. Not like I moved that far away, only 30 minutes, but I still feel like I’m missing a lot, especially when it come to my niece. I’m never asked to babysit and I know one of the reason is that I’m a lot farther away than everyone else. So we’ll see. I considering buying instead of renting, but my hometown is pretty pricey, well more pricey that I can probably afford at this point in time. But I have time to think about it. I’m month to month now on my lease so I can really move at any time. Just something that has been swimming around my mind lately.

~I really want to go back to Mexico. The mission trip I went on really did change me. I wasn’t sure if it would, but then I got back home, granted I was really ready to leave at the end of the week, mostly because a couple people in the group that I went with were pissing me off, and I missed my bed, and I was also injured, didn’t really figure that out until I saw the doctor when I got home, but I want to go back. The people there are just so different than here. There is little entitlement there. The kids don’t have anything and when they get something, like a toy, they share it with the other kids. The atmosphere is just so different. It was refreshing and showed me all the areas in my life that I could do better. I am not perfect and I don’t claim to be, but I could always do better, donate more, volunteer more. There are so many small things that I could do to make a difference here. I did briefly consider moving there, but I can’t leave my family. I couldn’t do that to my mom and it would kill me too. I also don’t know Spanish, not that I couldn’t learn it, but I would struggle for a while communicating so that’s just another reason to stay! I’ll probably visit again in 2019 but we’ll see where my life is then. I still hope to get to Europe in the next couple years, so I might not make it back to Mexico that quickly!

~Otherwise I’m just trying to live life to the best of my ability. I still struggle some days, and other days I just don’t care, but I’m still here so that has to mean something. Keep holding on. Keep dreaming. Keep loving. Keep going. <3