Unknown in 2017

I dislike the unknown and don’t do especially well with change. But both of these things happen in life. Quite a bit.

I read an article today that I won’t link because I didnt particularly care for it. BUT, it made me think. Ivy was our surprise bonus baby. She became this juicy fruit that we began to anticipate so greatly in the days before her birth. We were pregnant with our last, and I was really trying to soak up the essence of pregnancy. The intoxicating rush that is labor and delivery. (Im not digressing into the emotional flood here). But I was so excited to enjoy the ‘lasts’ that come with the last baby.

Then time shifted, and what was becoming was not meant to be. The anticipated ‘lasts’ were gone in an instant. A split second. And in the wake of that mess, I realize that my toddler boy, my sweet Orion, has grown into a child before my eyes. He stopped nursing for a sister that isn’t here. I just bought potty rings so we can familiarize him with the concept of toilet learning. He’s a REAL boy. I missed a few of his lasts while mourning my Ivy. Time goes on and these precious minutes I should be focused on them rather than marred by tragedy.

It is what it is.

I am where I am.

Tonight is another support group, where I will give a check for a cuddle cot. Tomorrow is my post partum visit. I know my emotions are currently heightened anticipating these things. The latter part of my week should be better. Wednesday I get to meet a sweet brand new little girl. Her mama will understand if I cry giant crocodile tears while snuggling her. The thought is simultaneously exciting and terrifying.

I start to wonder what an alternate universe might look like. One in which a seven week old baby is nuzzled in my neck. If I close my eyes I can almost smell the baby smell. Would she be snuggly like her brother or fiercely independent like her sister? Sometime a day will come where she will be a memory for longer than a presence. And Im not sure how I feel about that.

But for now I can do laundry and be silly with the kids. I’ll ignore the uncertainty of the future. Im really trying to stay present.

Last updated April 12, 2017