Because of Ivy in 2017

So this is my life now.

And sometimes (like my current mood), its just a matter of fact like that.

Im moving onward. Forward. Not moving on as in getting over. That minute will never come, even in my last breath.

But Im moving.

Tonight’s SHARE support group turned into a two-on-two meet and greet. Myself, Matt (husband), and two nurses. Im not sure if the anxious anticipation of “meeting days” will ever go away, but so far I have been to two meetings. And I feel like its still too early to decide how I feel about them. The atmosphere of the two meetings (different hospitals) was so contrasted…Im not sure its even comparable.

But tonight was…..nice. As nice as I guess it can be when you are talking about such a tragedy. To hear someone tell me that I dont sound “stuck”. Maybe Im not failing at navigating this new life. Im not sure why, but it meant a lot to hear those words from a stranger. A nurse that was there when we were there postpartum with Ivy, but hung in the background. Hearing her tell me how honored she felt to be able to hold her when she was taking her footprints. This was what I so desperately needed to her tonight. In that moment. Actually it didnt quite resonate with me until just now. As Im in tears typing. Just to know the tender care they took with my girl and how much of an impact she really is having on other people.

Because of Ivy, Bella Baby is now doing the baby loss newborn photos at the hospital I was at postpartum. This is the company already contracted through the hospital, so they no longer need to wait for a NILMDTS photographer to come.

Because of Ivy.

And Im going to stop the entry here…because this leaves me feeling happy (is that allowed?!). I cant have her physically here and that really really sucks. But she can make a difference. She is making differences already.

When Im struggling I need to come back to this moment.

Last updated April 13, 2017