Brain Games in 2017

Numbness gave way to an emotional storm.

It has been four weeks since I gave birth. Bleeding stopped about 2 weeks post partum, but my lovely period decided to show up yesterday. Light, but still a period. Salt on the wound, I suppose. Taunting a fertility that shouldnt be happening right now. I should be nursing a baby and not bleeding.

I have a lot of anger with no direction to throw it. My baby should be here and Im really, really angry about that. If Im being honest, that anger is a little bit towards myself. If I had gone in to get monitored after the fender bender I was in on the Tuesday prior to her delivery, would they have scanned me and seen the cord around her neck? Could I have delivered her right then and there and still have her here, alive?

Working at an OBGYN office for 6 years, I rationalized it unnecessary. The car accident occurred with both cars at a stop light. Impact was nonexistant except for her taking off my front bumper. No airbags. I still debated in my head, but after feeling Ivy kick, I opted not to. My career experience told me it was likely fine, and I was already exhausted from being out and about running errands. Errands that included a check with my midwife showing a heart rate in the 140s.

At 7pm on Tuesday, January 17th, Ivy was alive.

At 8am on Sunday, January 22nd, Ivy was born dead.

Oh my sweet, sweet girl.

This is where I lose it. Because I cannot make any logic where none lies.

My baby girl was starved for nutrients and oxygen in the very place that was supposed to be her home and comfort for ten months as she grew. Somewhere that changed and she got stuck. Would an ultrasound have revealed that?

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

They dont change time.

My baby is gone.

Last updated April 12, 2017