Missed in 2017

Its really proving hard for me to know that Ivy was here, and then suddenly she wasnt.

She was not sick.

There were no medical anomalies.

She was small. 5 pounds and 12 ounces. Small for a newborn, but definitely small for one of my babies. Orion (aka Turkey, baby#2) was 7lb14oz and Fiona (aka Bear, baby#1) was 9lbs7oz. Her cord was long. Im going to inquire as to the exact length, but it was long enough to be wrapped around her neck at least 4 times.

Thats a big knot.

I find myself wondering if she became tangled the night she flipped head down (around 36 weeks). And if so, would they not see cord when I was being scanned in the office to check position? I already feel like I should have been more aware of movements. But I have worked in obgyn for 6 years. I didnt think to be alarmed until it was already too late.

Too late.

And this is where my brain stops analyzing the story. Because I have no more answers. I wish I could know when she died. Within 36 hours of birth is just too large of a space. My heart longs to know the exact moment, so I can search for any signs that might have been present.

Ivy girl, you were tiny and perfect. My arms and heart ache without you here. And I dont know how to reconcile knowing we missed each other by a handful of hours.

Last updated April 12, 2017