Blank Inside in 2017

I have a $4.49 package of 12 note cards. Picked them up at the grocery store, intending to use them to send acknowledgements to out of area family that have sent donations to help our Cuddle Cot mission. The packaging for the cards has a sticker on the front, proudly displaying the words “Blank Inside”. A badge I also wear.

Blank inside.

The package is next to the bag of opened sympathy cards. Next to the envelope I need to deposit at the bank. Yesterday I called my midwife’s office to schedule my post partum visit…completely forgetting that I had scheduled that visit when I was in the office to follow up last week. I spent all day today sure it was Friday. My brain seems incapable of operating on even a basic level these days. I parent, and clean, and still wander a little bit. When things are quiet, I find myself reading blogs from other loss moms. I cant tell you what I had for lunch today but I can tell you all about the anatomy and physiology of the placenta. I now know statistics about dead babies that I never hoped to learn.

I am changed.

Rewired.

And I KNOW that Baby’s death rocked a lot of people.

Two weeks out I would even believe that she comes to peoples minds daily.

I cannot speak to other people’s grief.

But this has shattered me.

Last updated April 12, 2017