retro in Songs

I’m trying to figure out on what basis I’ve had to figure that I’d be successful in whatever career I chose. My parents both said it all the time, but they were my parents. Hamza told me so once, and I took it seriously because he is a bajillionaire and who would know better about success I guess.
I was also thinking about myself last night, in past tense. Cringing about how I used to wear visible garters to school with baby blue thigh highs and a purple mini, but I wasn’t a bold personality or anything. It is classic me that I think everyone knows me a lot more than they do. I remember a kid from class that I thought we were buds, we were grouped together for a project and he was all happy that I had a vocabulary and commented that he figured that I was smart since I was in high level classes. I remember being real taken aback, like, Robbie we’ve known each other for years, do you really not know me personally?

I never consider myself shut off, I figure myself for quite friendly and personable!! It’s crazy because I’m apparently not. I got really hurt last week because a bunch of girls from my department and one of the few girls I talk to at work all went out to eat lunch together and I wasn’t invited. I actually had an appointment with one of them at the time, and waited a bit but when they didn’t show I went to lunch at the park like I usually do. There everyone was and I said hi as I walked past and posted up by myself on a bench with a book like some outcast cliche. The thing is too that times that I hang out the conversation is lacking and kind of crap, I don’t even enjoy it that much. It just sucks to be left out! Hopefully one day I can sit with the scientists and nerds, but they are usually eating at their desks getting idk, like numbers and graphs all in their salads because they work too hard.

I’m at odds sometimes because I want to be successful but I don’t ever want to be the person who skips a lunch outside or a long tea break. I already am though, whenever I actually have an assignment that occupies me and has a deadline, but it evens out with all the days I take 1-2 hour lunch breaks and spend the rest of my day reading the Times. I guess I was brought here to write about this because I want to be working right now but I put on Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush and I don’t let myself work while I’m listening to that and I knew I was gonna listen to it like 3 or 4 times in a row. The tension between a disciplined approach to success and my whimsical fancy is more and more apparent. Tonight there is a show where John Henry’s friend from California is playing and I’m supposed to go but I will probably dip out super early because I want to start waking up before 7. I want to get a jog in and actually be awake by the time I get to work. I have a to-do list that’s getting longer by the day but after work I usually just cook and watch TV. John Henry is on his own schedule that has no real regard for my unspoken career goals, and I need the backbone and discipline to reach my goals anyway.

I don’t know, every time I think about how left out I feel most of the time and especially at work I get kind of sad. It’s not going to be like this forever, right? There will come a time that I’ll be competent and it won’t even matter if I have work friends because I’ll be so passionate about my work but I’ll probably have a friend or two anyway, right?

Last updated April 11, 2017