Vulnerability in Random Thoughts

I’m trying something new, this entry is purely verbal – recorded from my phone.

I started reading a book by an author I have been wanting to read for a while, her name is Brene Brown. You may have heard of her, she has a Ted talk about vulnerability that is quite popular. The book is called rising strong: The reckoning, the rumble, the revolution. It’s about how we need to fall, in whatever situation whether it’s work or interpersonal relationships or even a tiny little conversation with a friend; we need to delve into our vulnerability when we are hurt and find that creative space to make transformations.

I’ve been lucky that many things I’ve been reading and the personal work I’ve been doing all kind of have a parallel path. This book fits well. The author likens our experiences to a story arc with three parts, as laid out in the past by Joseph Campbell and his ideas on mythology. What I’m trying to find is what to do with the middle. The middle is sticky bits, where in the story arc the protagonist looks for a way to solve the problem. What I find is that my fear of vulnerability gets in the way. What I want to do is to gently lean into the vulnerability and to be OK with whatever the consequence is. Maybe even take that and be creative with how I react and interact. How I think, what I believe, and my automatic reactions that have helped me in the past – maybe change some of them.

The author was talking about shame, which is a lot of the work I’ve been doing in therapy. She says that being vulnerable fights against the shame? But I know that’s not quite right. Maybe what she’s saying is that shame is like a darkness, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and be true to yourself in the moment is a bit of light. I don’t know.

Last night I saw Ian. We had dinner and a nice walk in the dudkwith the moon as a guide. We looked into peoples houses as we were walking by. I was afraid to hold onto his arm, I was afraid to try and hold his hand. I’m working toward being vulnerable in the moment, but I wasn’t quite ready. And what’s so funny is that in the past I didn’t think so much about doing these things, I just did them. But now I’m so worried about being hurt that I can’t do them. I find myself reading the moment, reading the gestures, the words, the environment to try to get the information that I want to answer whatever questions I have. But that’s not safe. Maybe that’s not the right word, it’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to him for me to try to figure out whatever I’m trying to figure out with stimuli that can be so changeable moment to moment based on any and every little thing. The good thing about me now in my life, as I have a more holistic perspective and I understand that one: making decisions based on things that are changeable it’s not very smart, two: stimuli is incredibly changeable.

Now, what do I do from here? I know this isn’t a very efficient or effective strategy. How can I be creative and come up with a different strategy? Ideally, I know that having a frank conversation is a good way to find out what I need to know. But this is the stickiest of the bits, The place I have struggled with the most in my life. In the past, the words just won’t come out. I know that the words will come out a little easier now. But I need to take the time and really look at how my brain and my heart is working and the situation and really learn from it. That’s where Ian comes in as kind of an experiment in therapy.

We were texting this morning, I’ve been laying in bed all morning, it’s my spring break and I am reading. He said that I had “the win on Friday”. I invited him to join me some morning and be my partner in crime for a morning in bed. There was a little auto correct joke, which he responded to, but he didn’t say anything about my invitation. Automatically my feelings are hurt. I’m putting meaning into places where it isn’t meant to be. But I recognize that. Now, I’m OK with whatever happens, and I’m really trying not to read into it. and when I say that I’m OK with whatever happens, I’m not trying to be blasé, I’m trying to be open to the range of reactions or emotions that may result from him saying yes or no.

I feel like, well this is tough, taking the small moments and stretching them out longand really delving into actions and reactions, the whys, The triggers, etc, I am re-wiring myself mentally and emotionally. There is a reason for what I’m doing, I’m not just torturing myself.

Invariably, I end our nights or our time spent together with this phrase,

” we should do this again sometime.”

He usually has a slightly startled reaction, like it’s odd to hear that from me, and last night he said,

” yes, yes, we definitely will”

Last updated April 08, 2017