Always in Jessica and Me

Things haven’t quite been back to normal, and I struggle with feelings of shame and blame knowing that my own extreme moodiness is what’s causing the problem. My relationship with Jess still exists, but part of me feels like that’s the strongest word I can use for it right now.

Since our big fight six weeks ago, she’s had sex with Kevin a lot. I have no way of knowing how often since I’m not always around when it happens, but I’d say at least 10 times. I’ve had sex with Kevin three times. Jess and I have had sex twice, and once was the make-up sex right after our fight.

We do sleep in the same bed almost every night. We kiss often. At least once a day I tell her I love her and she says it back to me. But there’s a coldness to it.

Our wedding had been tentatively planned for September, but we haven’t talked about it and I’ve been nervous to even bring it up. It’s been on the tip of my tongue many times but I get scared that she will respond that she doesn’t want to marry me anymore.

A couple weeks ago I was laying in bed crying and feeling angry and moody. She walked into the bedroom to go to sleep and asked me if everything was OK. I told her I was feeling angry and sad and that I was PMS’ing.

She asked me if I wanted to talk with her about how I was feeling and I said no.

Then she said that she would be here for me if I needed her, but if I was going to just be bitchy and pick a fight she would go sleep in the other room. That meant sleep with Kevin.

I responded, “If you stay, I’m going to be a bitch and pick a fight.” And I meant it. She grabbed her pillow and was walking out of the room when I called out, “Do you still want to marry me?”

She came back. She held up her hand to show me she was wearing her engagement ring. Then she said, “Why do I feel like you want me to say no?”

I cried harder but didn’t say anything. She came and sat down next to me in bed and touched me lovingly. Then she said, “I think you need to talk to someone.” I knew that was the nice way of saying I needed professional psychological help. And she was right. I nodded slightly. Maybe so slightly that she didn’t even notice that I’d nodded.

I told her I wanted to have sex. She said no. She said she didn’t want to only fuck when we’re fighting. I responded, “But we’re always fighting.”

She said, “No, we’re not. You just act like we are for some reason.”