A room in god

Growing up is all about breaking down and reconstructing ideals and notions that formed in the same mind where fantastic and impossible ideas ruled, nothing was out of the question or impossible, and that was their reality. It’s soul crushing being told that your dreams aren’t achievable or real. Or being told that your parents aren’t the perfect people you thought they were. Learning the raw truth about the way the world works; life, death, and the misery in between aren’t subject matters suited for the mind of a child in its youthful, dreaming and fantastically open snd fragile mind. Learning about wars and the history of slavery and how this land was bought from people who didn’t even believe in the ownership of land. Hearing about the awful things people do to one another. The way humans are incrementally destroying the very thing that sustains and supports the only existing life that we know of. Seeing first hand the effects an abusive relationship has on a person you care about. Seeing friends die of overdoses of a drug that they took so to escape the shitty realities of this life. Constantly being told at such a young age to always do the right thing, when everyone is always doing the wrong thing is hard to understand. It can’t make sense to them in their dreamy minds at first.
When the realities of life make sense and dreams only happen when you sleep. You start to worry about things that you don’t completely understand and then the resentments start. Money and finances start dictating the way you live your life. You put up invisible walls that somehow block your view. Seeing an innocent child with terminal cancer laugh at the funny cartoon character while you cry to yourself and wonder why they aren’t bitter and blaming someone or something for the conditions of their life. “Life ain’t fair”, you’ve heard it all your life, usually when you’re being a brat because of a toy you couldn’t have. Never did you think you’d be in a hospital room watching a child slowly die in a room with more wires and switches than your whole house, a room that is constantly beeping to say it’s time for this med or that. This isn’t the room where you’d think about that saying and how true it is. It makes you wonder who came up with that saying and if they ever felt so goddamn powerless to help in any way possible. The balloons and flowers throughout the room are there more for the person giving than the child receiving them. “Get Well Soon, We Miss You” from the child’s classmates. I know they have the best intentions when giving them, but it is such poor choice of words. This isn’t the flu or a cold, it hurt me and made me furious to see the child smile and giggle at one of the kids little jokes. I wanted to trade places and to take away the pain and to eventually die in her place, but what person hasn’t thought that to themselves in situations similar to this? This is the hand you got dealt? Life ain’t fair. How could it possibly be that easy and simple to express in a 3 word saying, how in one hand there’s a no good, piece of shit man that was given 43 years on this earth to be a good person and all he did was hurt people for his own gain. Ignore the people who truly loved him. Ended a friendship over a $10 bet. Was never faithful to a single woman, not one. Had a one-night stand with one and knocked her up. Didn’t believe her, and called her a whore and made her feel awful. Made her feel so bad that 6 years ago she wound up taking herself out of this life as a favor to him and leaving the infant child on the floor while she dangled slowly above. The infant child could’ve thought she was a life-size mobile like the one in her crib.
Seeing her hanging there and the baby on the floor was the first time in memory that he felt bad for another person. He knew the child was his the first time she mentioned it, but not until that moment did he have a kid. He never believed in heaven or hell and the spiritual realm. Some say if you are really bad, then you pay for your sins in a burning hell where the pain and torture never end. He laughed at the silly people who believed that stuff. “Since there is no hell” he’d often say to them jokingly, “then how is a bad man like me ever gonna pay my sins”? He never thought that those words would ever haunt him like they did when he was in her room slowly dying. Dying in a room with more wires and switches than their entire house, the room that beeps constantly to remind him that she’s in her final room just 2ft. from him and doesn’t blame him for the hand that she’s been dealt. “You weren’t the dealer” she said one time.
She died on a Thursday. He found her lying helpless on the floor with her mother gently swaying above on a Thursday. He wasn’t sure how, after all the terrible things he’d done and all the times that he’d rejected people that truly loved him. He wasn’t sure how after all the fights he started and people he cheated along the way to get what he wanted, he wasn’t sure why he would get another chance. Another chance to be loved and to reciprocate that love by caring for and giving all he had to protect and comfort the little child and never have her worry or fear. He definitely deserved to have any kind of pain this world had to offer him. The kind of pain you feel when the person that saved your life is dying 2ft. away in the room with more wires and switches than their entire house. The room that is constantly beeping as a reminder to him that this is his personal hell. The way he was to pay for all of the sins he’d committed and people he’d hurt. He probably deserves to live until the age of 90 and live everyday with the pain of his child taken away far before her time. No, she was right, he didn’t deal the cards. He didn’t deal her that lousy hand that she’d been dealt and forced to live with. He probably deserved to live until 90 years old with the pain in his heart never dulling. He probably did, but instead he dove head first off of the bridge in to the icy cold waters of the Atlantic 400ft. below him. He did deserve to live with his pain, but today, Thursday, he’s going to die with his pain.

Last updated March 30, 2017