Can't take back time.. in The First Life

I’ve been wasting my time, haven’t I?

I’m backing into a corner, small in my mind. I shrink every time you walk in the room, and I can’t explain why. I’m cold, lost from touch that means anything. The thoughts nagging, words at the edge of my tongue. I keep thinking I dare not ask.
I know how this goes.
I know how you’ll react.
You’ve made me quiet, afraid to ask for answers…
Then it overflows. Calmly, after it has beaten my mind to dust, I ask you.

Immediately on the defense. I knew you would. You should have known, shouldn’t you? Me with my arms crossed. I’m uncomfortable. I’m cold and alone and small. Shielding myself.
You say it isn’t working. Because I asked something that makes you uncomfortable. I’m supposed to quietly keep these things to myself and live with what you do in private. You’re proud, you say, yet you hide everything and blame it on me. And it isn’t “going to work”. Convenient timing to make such decisions. But you’re right, you know? It isn’t, because I’m done being the one to cater to it. Staying quiet, ignoring my needs for passion and soft touch. Tears brimming my eyes but they don’t move because you’re only saying what I’ve known to be true these past 6 months. I’m just letting go of time and memories and a companion.
You make plans like you have never thought this before and yet, presented with a question you don’t like, you cave to any reply that will make me break. But you know what? You’re right. This isn’t working. Your secrets, your judgements that are entirely unfounded. You’re using me to get away from facing how embarrassed and uncomfortable you are with yourself. Yes, I see your pride, I see you struggle for it in everything you do. I see you grapple for respect with everyone around you. You tell stories that no one else would because they don’t matter to anyone who isn’t worried about pride.

You can hide in your room, I’ll be on the outside. I’m not waiting for you. I’m not coming to you. You can’t pin this on me. Whatever “isn’t working ” isn’t working because of your inability to be honest with yourself and everyone around you