Just embarrassing... in Fresh Start...

So yeah… I was feeling stressed most of the weekend. Between still being sick and mother nature and not wanting to deal with work and not being able to just have sex for stress relief it was pretty awful.

So today I finally sitting down and talk with my boss and the guy above him. First, the guy above him isn’t even permanent. He’s just been filling an interim position for the last couple of years. He’s a total micromanaging pain in the ass liar. He’s constantly manipulating shit to his advantage and I sincerely hope that it royally bites him in the ass one day sooner rather than later. He’s just a bad person in my opinion. Anyways, he wanted to bring it to my attention that someone has apparently started rumors about V and I. And while I understand that he felt obligated to tell me, I also feel like the conversation lasted longer than it should have. Secondly, I’m pretty sure the guy spreading rumors is a contractor guy who is friends with the liar who was trying to get V in trouble because he is also a complete dick. And he’s been trying to stir up trouble recently and decided to go tell the liar that V was talking to me for a while one day. It’s so fucking childish. And I am not explaining my personal life to anyone. It’s none of their fucking business. But I again told V that he should just back off for now because it’s not worth giving anyone a reason to talk. But it entirely pisses me off that someone wants to spread rumors because he talks to me. So because a guy talks to me at work and he’s not married, he must be trying to get in my pants. I don’t care if it’s true that he likes me. I have done nothing but behave professionally at work with him and now I feel like I just need to not talk to anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary. Which sucks even more because I have more friends at work than outside work but they’re all guys because I’m the only girl there. Apparently there were also rumors about M and I which I understand a little more, but still it’s just people talking. He was not at all happy to hear this but was glad I told him and hopes he doesn’t find out who for their sake. I also told him that I was going to probably just ignore him and everyone else for a while so not to take it personally.

Then on top of all that, then I got stuck with more work at work. And I wouldn’t mind if I’d known a month ago, but I just don’t have nearly the time to prepare at all which irritates the fuck out of me. Just fuck people.

So then on my way home I called V and we were talking about everything and we just kept talking. I said before that we’d decided on fwb, but then there was dinner and him talking of doing dinner again. Then tonight he was talking about me coming to his house and us going to a drive in. And then later he was saying that he definitely planned on spending the night again. Like I feel like he decided that he has to date me to keep me or else he’s a lot more into me then he’s let on and doesn’t want me to want to date other people? I’m not sure. Of course this makes me feel bad because the guy that K has been trying to hook me up with (let’s call him C) has been texting me more and wanting to go to dinner this week. When I told J that he said I’m too nice of a person and I’m like no I’m a normal person who doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And while V and I have very little in common, he’s still a good guy and has been nothing but nice to me. He also told me tonight on the phone that I’m the best sex he’s ever had. How do you respond to that? We were on the phone for like 3 hours… and I never talk on the phone.

And it’s completely retarded but like sex is one of the few areas I’m confident in. V is certainly not the first guy to tell me that. Hell, there’s a guy that still occasionally hits me up when he’s single because I took his virginity and he has some weird fixation on me because of it. Like it’s been probably 15 years since then and whenever I see him he still says that I’m the best sex he’s ever had. There’s another guy who I’m friends with on fb. Quite frankly when he added me I was kinda wondering who he was but thought oh he looks kinda familiar. It took me a hot minute to figure it out, but that was cause he was a random college fling that I hooked up with like twice, and by hooked up with I mean I blew him, like twice, and like 6 years later he’s adding me on fb… I didn’t even remember his last name. That sounds terrible, but it’s true.

Thinking back on it… it probably all stems from the first guy I ever got remotely naked with. It was after high school but before college. We made out, which was like the extent of my experience. It was my first time blowing a guy and after the fact he basically told me I sucked at it. Class act right there.... but after that I was going to be damned if someone told me I sucked again. It all sounds stupid I’m sure, but I was an 18 year old with zero self esteem. Now I’m nearly 35 and my self esteem is better, but not where it should be. I still hate my stomach. Even though I’ve lost like 25 lbs since July maybe, my tummy is still just fat. And it completely baffles me when any guy finds me attractive. Especially if it’s a guy who is confident and I feel could have any number of girls. I’m not the kind of pretty that guys like that go for. I’m chubby, curvy, whatever you want to call it. And yes I am probably overly enthusiastic during sex and blowjobs in an effort to please my partner because I usually feel like that’s my best bet to get a guy to like me initially. It’s sad really.