The Sensual World in Random Thoughts

Today i spent quality time with music i haven’t heard in a while, a lot of Bob Dylan. I started the morning and bright blue skies with Royal Albert Hall 1966 (over 50 years ago!). I am currently spending some time with Kate Bush.

It’s been a good day.

Of course, like all Saturdays, 9 am was therapy. I haven’t written about it in a while, because i am truly not sure what to say. I like it, we are making progress, what we are doing makes sense and it is right for me.

Today i really, for the first time, realized or understood, or accepted, that i do need to be there. I don’t feel like an imposter. And, we talked about how i am a very typical client for the type of therapy he has been doing for 30 years. Deep early childhood trauma. Very early.

Mal-adaptive ways of being in this world that people like me have created to survive and be successful. I don’t know if i can explain it very well. Sometimes i feel like i want to voice record a session so i can go back and revisit and better recall.

Sufficeth to say, my whole existence of feeling ‘not good enough’ like an ‘imposter’ and paranoid, anxious, scared of losing control....they all helped me navigate a chaotic childhood. But not only that, a probably scary existence from birth to three.

Here is the next book i am going to read:

https://www.amazon.com/Owning-Your-Own-Shadow-Understanding/dp/0062507540

So, what i understand is that to cope, those of use who have need of it, create a ‘false self’ to help guard the authentic self from the scary, chaotic outside world. I am not sure how the shadow self plays into it. but. i will begin to learn more.

I’ve also been reading another book, When Things Fall Apart: heart advise for difficult times. It was written 20 years ago by a woman who became a Tibetan monk. It is just what i needed for the next steps in my spiritual journey. And, coincidentally, my therapist started talking about one of the concepts i just read about in the book. Basically, it has to do with accepting the dark and difficult aspects of life, not just searching out the pleasure (as out society tends to do).

I’d like to talk about Ian. But. Ian is also the recipient (in my head) of this therapy, so i am working opposite of my natural inclination of paranoia and fear and just allowing things to be. It is difficult, because i have a lot of experience with men who do not communicate. It is hard to not know what a person feels or not having a label on a relationship. There are reasons i don’t ask. I fear what he will say. I fear rejection.

I am going to trust what we have. Enjoy the times we spend together. Be ready to embrace the difficult parts (and heartache, if it comes to that, because i will be hurt). Take it as it comes, get to know him, don’t rush into love as i have done every single time.

Because really, no matter how much i have fallen, it would not behoove either of us if the foundation of our potential relationship is shaky. Like when i accepted Kevin even though i had reservations and he even told me he “could be mean” and, because of love, i was willing to accept whatever was in front of me.

Tomorrow my love is coming over at 2. We are going to do household chores! I am so excited. Every once in a while i think about how some things would be much easier if i had another person sharing my home, house duties is one. I made a whole list for us! Doorstop for my bathroom, hang pictures, hang my magnetic knife holder, move my bed to the corner, prune my roses, move my gas stove into the livingroom.

So much fun. Plus, i think Jamie is bringing the cabinet he made me in his master woodworking program. I love Jamie and am so happy we are in one another’s lives.

Well, it’s my evening in and i would like to read some more. Sit with myself.

Goodnight my friends.