The Pee Test ~ One for the ages in Mental Health, 2017

My psychiatrist is either a con artist, or I’m just that stupid.

That may be a bit overdramatic; you be the judge:

So you know how in my last entry, I went in for the blood work, but they never asked for me to do a urine sample (which made me really happy because of my shy bladder?) Well…it was as I suspected. The person drawing the blood either never got the message about the urine test or did, but forgot.

Which brings me to the day after: I had two missed phone calls (okay I ignored them…) from the clinic. I checked the patient portal and it said that my psych requested me to come in for another blood draw. I also learned that I was extremely Vitamin D deficient and was written a prescription for 50,000 UI of Vitamin D weekly (1 pill/week). I ignored the message for more blood work because I didn’t think I actually needed to go back in.

Then yesterday, I get a text alert to call the clinic immediately. So super-panicked, I called. They said i did in fact need to come in for more blood work and scheduled me for 8 am today. MOTHER FUCKING LIARS. When I asked, what the blood work was for, they said “oh to recheck your vitamin D, cholesteral, and blood sugar.” since my vitamin D was low and the other two were borderline high, I believed them. MOTHER FUCKING LIARS.

So I went in today. They called me back and said “we won’t be drawing blood today, [insert doctor’s name] needs a urine sample from you today.

And at that moment all I could think was fuuuuuuck I don’t gotta pee AT ALL. And “they got me good”

so I told her I didn’t have to pee, and she gave me a cup and sent me right back out to the waiting room. I chugged water for 2.5 hours and then made my first attempt. All that water gave me diahreea, no pee. I got kicked out after 4 minutes and got sent back to the waiting room. A different lady called me back, and sternly spoke to me about how it NEEDED to be a urine sample because blood drug tests were expensive and why was I being so difficult and was there anything I need to tell them, and did I need more water.

Mortified, I tried again. I had to pee so bad, but whatever psychological shy bladder problem I have didn’t allow me to. Once again, I got kicked out after 4 minutes. Beyond mortified, the first girl who called me back (Not Ms Stern Bitch Face) said she would ask about the blood test once again. I told her I would pay out of pocket for the whole thing because I just wanted to get the eff out of there. This was an exact repeat of my experience when I had to do a drug test for my current job

She was gone for what seemed like a good chunk of time. While she was gone, the urge to pee increased significantly. She said the blood draw would cost $240 out of pocket and then in a very light girl-code whisper “but insurance usually does cover the whole thing”. I know they were avidly pushing for the urine because that tests goes back about 90 days whereas blood only goes back about a week (for reasons I’ll never understand). I told her I would try peeing one last time, and if I still couldn’t go, I’d do the blood draw with the risk of possibly having to pay $240.

BUT THANK THE GOOD 7 POUND BABY JESUS, I WENT!

And I’ve been peeing non-stop pretty much since. TAKE THAT, mother effers. I can’t wait till they get the results. I did have to take 3 hours of PTO from work to do it, but.........

If you don’t have this problem with pee tests, I envy you. I feel so miserable now because of all of the water drinking I had to do. So miserable. I have absolutely ZERO drugs in my system, but I felt so guilty.