Back on in Jessica and Me

Jess and I got into such an argument last night that I cried uncontrollably, then locked myself in our bedroom. After about an hour of sitting in there sobbing, I packed a bag and walked out. I told her our relationship was over and I was gone for good. I went to my sister’s place, cried some more with her, and slept on her couch.

I woke up this morning feeling hungover even though I hadn’t been drinking. I cried some more with my sister. I went to the bathroom to take a shower and realized I’d gotten my period. In a bad way. Throw my underwear away bad. I had to get a tampon from my sister, and when I did she said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but do you think last night had anything to do with premenstrual hormones?”

I screamed FUCK YOU so loudly that she yelled at me for saying it in such a way that her kids would hear, and I thought we’d end up getting into an argument too. Then I started thinking about what she said. I do sometimes become super bitch before my period.

I called Jess and told her I wanted to talk. She said, “OK, but as far as I’m concerned you and I are no longer a couple. You can’t treat me like that and then just call a do-over.”

Here’s what we argued about: she said she wanted Kevin to join us on our honeymoon. And I completely lost my mind. I called her every filthy name I could think of. I told her I never loved her and that I never believed she loved me. I said some awful things that I don’t even know how to take back.

Even though I broke up with her, I wouldn’t take me back either if I was her.

We had coffee. She was angry. I was apologetic. I told her I still want to marry her and she said, “Go fuck yourself you crazy bitch.”

I told her that I’m entitled to have the occasional night of crazy, and she said, “Not like that, you’re not.”

She put her engagement ring on the table and walked out.

I sat in my car and cried for a long time. I tried calling her and it went straight to voicemail.

I wrote her a text. I put a lot of thought into it before I sent it. I said, “Please let me do whatever it takes to fix this. I know I fucked up. I know I should have had a rational conversation with you instead of freaking out. I can’t take it back now but I want to earn your forgiveness. I love you and I want to marry you.”

I stared at my phone for ten minutes just waiting for a response. Finally I got one. “If we do this, we start over. Thing don’t just go back to how they were.”

I drove to our house. I went inside and just wanted to hold her and touch her and fuck her. I was feeling super needy and clingy. She was being slightly nicer to me, but still very cold. I sat on the couch alone and cried some more.

Then I texted her even though she was in the next room. I said, “I want to make love to you.”

She walked into the room moments later. She had a scowl on her face. She asked me where the ring was and I told her it was in my purse. I pulled it out to show her. She said, “Propose to me.”

I felt so awkward, but I did what she said. I got on my knees, hugged her lower body, told her how important she was to me, showed her the ring and asked her to be my wife.

She didn’t say yes or no. She looked at me and said, “If you ever pull this shit again, it’s over. I don’t care how much I love you, I won’t be treated like that.

We went to our bedroom and made love. When we were done, she put the ring back on her finger.