Crash and Burn in Inside My Head

It’s ironic that just as I celebrate not having PPD, it swoops in out of left field and hits me in the chest. I don’t know if it’s PPD or just my baseline anxiety flaring up, but today all I want to do is crawl into a hole and cry.

Sam doesn’t sleep well. He never has, but throw a newborn into the picture and it’s almost impossible to function properly. He woke up at 5am screaming, just as Noah drifted off to sleep after being up all night. I offered him a small bag of Cheerios to snack on, a sippy, a Sesame Street episode but nada. He just continued to shriek and hit me no matter what I did or said so I slapped his face. I was instantly horrified, so I began to cry and hug him. I still feel beyond awful. There’s no appropriate words to describe how sick I am.

I’m trying to be attentive to the boys, but Sam has been doing nothing but throw almost constant temper tantrums. He’s two, so it’s not unexpected, but not any less difficult to deal with. Noah is up every 2 hours. Aside from the 5 hour stretch of sleep I got the first night in the hospital, I haven’t slept properly since he was born 2 weeks ago. He’s a breastfed baby, so it’s hard for Mike to help, but Mike doesn’t even wake up to Sam. I’m alone almost all the time and I’m losing my slim ability to cope.

On top of everything I’m supposed to be getting paid maternity leave from the state, but they tell me it takes 5-6 weeks to process and then another week to send out the money. I want to vomit. We don’t have enough of a buffer to go without a salary for 2 months. Last time it took just under 4 weeks. I have to figure out how to talk to Mike about taking out a small loan. The thought of going back to work at 6 weeks makes me want to vomit. I am so stressed I just want to run away. This is supposed to be my maternity leave, my very limited time to bond with my children, and all I’ve been doing is worrying about money. I want to cry.

I have an appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow and I’ll ask to be put back on Zoloft. It takes about 4 weeks to luck in…I have no idea how I’m going to manage until then.

Last updated February 14, 2017