Doc's Diagnosis in Scottish Meanderings

Luckily I had an appointment booked with one of the doctors at our local surgery yesterday morning. But the reason I had booked it was ridiculous. I see another doctor, an Addictions Doctor, every month, for the drug they put me on in 2015 - the one I'm supposed to be reducing and struggling with. I'll call him Dr. Weirdo because it's quite like his name and very like his character! As a Doctor he's abysmal. I probably know more about the drug than he does and that's said without a trace of arrogance - it's purely based on the fact he's shown ignorance about it on several occasions and said the most awful things to me - bad enough that I wish I'd recorded them.

Anyway on my last visit to him, I had to ask for a Medical Certificate for the JobCentre as they told me I could have a 13 week sickness break for my JobSeekers Allowance and he actually poised, pen in hand, for a good 5 minutes and then said,

"Who actually told you you had this chronic fatigue?"

"Em - the hospital?"

"Hmmm I dunno ...... I just think it's a label for folk who aren't quite comfortable in the head" he says staring at the pad some more.

He did finally sign it but it was touch and go.

So, deciding I didn't really need any extra humiliation, when it was nearing time for the Med Cert to run out, I had made the other appointment with one of the other doctors but was glad I had because I sure wouldn't have got any support from him after falling ill again!

After explaining what happened, she doesn't think this is a relapse at all. She thinks because I've basically had bug after bug since well before Christmas, my body hasn't had a chance to recover properly and if I just rested completely for a week, it should sort itself out.

I really really want to believe her and I have to admit I'm still coughing up some gunk from the last bug but I can't help thinking that that doesn't really sort out the problem because there must have been some reason I was falling ill so often in the first place. And if it's because the course is too much, then as soon as I go back to it again, the same thing has a good chance of happening.

I'll give it a good shot though.

I feel terrible about my clients tomorrow - both of them have already had one session cancelled through illness and the one at 2.30 had his very first session cancelled through me being ill then it was too late to cancel last week when I collapsed as that was 5 minutes before he was due to show. And now he's got no session this week again. And he's really struggling. I keep telling myself if I go back too early I might make things worse in the long run whereas if I have a week's rest, there's a fighting chance I'll be okay for the rest of his 10-week programme but I know I'll still feel awful tomorrow afternoon.

It was bad enough not going in to University this morning. Because it's okay this whole rest business but it means I'm now even further behind than I was already and now I can't help stressing that I'll never catch up no matter how much time I'm given. I've lost 4 weeks of study through being ill and now here's another week lost and I still have to find time to redo my original assignment sometime to resubmit it.

Maybe I should just defer for a year - I think you can do that. I can't help thinking that'll just prolong the agony though and it'll also mean starting with a whole new bunch of people in the next academic session. Part of the enjoyment of this cohort was the fact I already knew 5 girls on the course - it definitely made the whole thing easier - and I have a really good peer group (small support group) - we meet regularly and have had some great discussions.

I hate how people get on to me to rest properly but no-one actually makes that process any easier. It really took all my strength to get to the doctor's for 11.15 yesterday morning - I was completely knackered - and I explained how I had an appointment with Dr. Weirdo in the afternoon and was there any chance I could pick up the prescription while I was there to save me coming back? Nope. She couldn't prescribe one of the drugs which I knew already but seriously? You couldn't just interrupt him for 2 seconds to print out one prescription? I mean that's all he did in the afternoon but I had to go home and sleep then get up and wash my hair again and go out in the rain and wind once more and drive up to the surgery for one stupid bit of paper.

And when I was there in the morning I also asked if my anxiety became worse again could I get Diazepam? (anti-anxiety medication). I asked this because it was really high all of Thursday, all of Friday and part of Saturday and when I first became ill, I would have really bad attacks and one 5 mgs tablet of Diazepam would bring me out of it. I was actually prescribed them 3 times a day and was wise enough to refuse to take them knowing it would just start another addiction. I was actually told I would only get 3 weeks' worth originally but the doctor I was seeing at the time kept renewing the prescription so I just stashed them away. I swear just knowing they were there in case I needed them was sometimes all I needed to get through a mild attack and I only ever took one when I had a really bad attack which had gone on for days. So I asked and was told no. Because they're addictive. No shit Sherlock. So it's a good job I have some 2 mgs ones left. Except they're out of date now. I'm really hoping that just means they're just slightly less effective than they would normally be.

When I put my prescription into ASDA they never have enough of one of the drugs. They always have to order it and it comes in the next day. I take that into account when I make my appointment with Dr. Weirdo so that I always have enough to tide me over. So now I just give them the prescription and tell them I'll just come back in the next day for it. However what annoys me is when I go in the next day they only then start making it up so I still have to stand for a good 10 minutes waiting. I questioned this one day and the pharmacist on duty said there was no reason why they couldn't have it all ready for me to pick up and if I just checked when I handed in the prescription they could make a note of it.

So I've just phoned them just now to ensure I don't have to stand around for 10 minutes when I pick it up tomorrow. You'd think I was asking for the Crown Jewels to be delivered to my door or something. Honestly. I got all sorts of excuses "well the Pharmacist has to check it once it's made up so we can't change that." What's that got to do with it?? Anyway I can bet you your bottom dollar tomorrow I'll be standing there shakily for a good 10 minutes before anything gets handed over.

And then some well-meaning person in my family said "Well I hope you went straight to bed when you got home from the Doctor's." Well no actually because things don't cancel themselves and people aren't mindreaders so I had to sit at the pc for a good 2 hours contacting folk and cancelling/postponing stuff, e-mailing and texting folk and then the Counselling Agency manager told me off today for not phoning the desk to cancel the clients tomorrow because e-mails can get missed. And yes I get that and obviously I wouldn't normally be e-mailing but I stupidly thought as I was ill and had to e-mail her anyway with an update and because I had no contact details for my supervisor, she might just on this one occasion, do me a favour and pass the message on to them. But I had copied the desk e-mail into that e-mail anyway so they would have seen it. However had I not heard back from them by this morning I would have phoned. It's a really busy phone and I just thought I could save some time seeing I was updating her on my health anyway.

Little things like that help a lot when you're not feeling up to par.

My anxiety was pretty high last night and it seemed like everything I watched on the iPad just made it worse.

Magic Gone Wrong - I had to switch off after watching about the fifth escape artist almost kill themselves.

Confessions Of a Paparazzo - George Bamby. The lengths this guy went to to get a series of photos was just disgusting. Although I have to admit it was interesting to hear his theory of why he turned out like that.

The Accused - a new series filming a real person from the time they're accused until they go on trial. This one was about a young mum who was basically protecting her boyfriend who had shaken their baby daughter and caused serious brain damage. Completely harrowing to watch but once I was sucked in I wanted to see what a jury would make of her. (I hadn't known what she was being accused of at the beginning otherwise I would never have watched it).

I could tell I wasn't going to get to sleep so I think I was just looking for something which would absorb me and distract me enough to stop me stressing about everything. Didn't work. In the end I switched it off and read instead but it was still well after 4.30 a.m. before I dropped into an uneasy sleep. However I've been a bit calmer today so I'm hoping for a decent bedtime tonight then maybe I can make up the lost sleep.

Please send all good vibes that this is just a blip.